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This weeks preview from La Liga Loca!
The Great Weekend Predictions - Round 22
Friday 01 February 2008 15:23
Saturday
Almería (8th) v Real Madrid (1st)
The last eighteen months have been tough ones for Ramón Calderón. Being detained in New York having been mistaken for a narco-trafficker and using a countrywide Jedi mind trick by claiming never to have wanted Kaká, have taken its toll on the shy and retiring Real Madrid president.
And that's why Calderón wants to reduce that tiresome trip between his office to the golf course from several kilometres to none, say 'Marca'.
The paper has revealed plans by the club to add an 18,000 seater sports pavilion, a luxury super hotel, a race track (of course) and a golf course to their training complex so Calderón can help improve his current handicap of 15.4.
And not one red cent of the club's money will be used to fund this vanity project, according to the paper - "Ramón Calderón is looking for companies who can bring in the necessary funding."
Expect Alfredo di Stefano being moved to the cheap seats from the presidential balcony to make room for a series of slicked-hair shifty hotshots, over the next few months. Draw.
Betis (14th) v Deportivo (19th)
Such is the desperation in Spain to broadcast this relegation thriller between two of the most tantalising teams on the planet, that not one but two tv channels will be broadcasting this match live.
But for those in Spain looking forward to a break from Andrés Montes' incessant gibberings on 'La Sexta' should not get their hopes up too high, as the last time that 'Telecinco' pirated a match, their cameras were positioned somewhere in orbit and could not see the corner flags.
Just another normal day in the never-ending tv wars. Home win.
Sunday
Zaragoza (12th) v Athletic Bilbao (16th)
With the Spanish economy about to collapse faster than Jesus Navas in the penalty area, this perilous pecuniary predicament has been reflected in a positively flaccid transfer market with only 29.3 million euros worth of deals being struck. Valencia were responsible for a large chunk of that with Ever Banega coming to Spain in more ways than one.
One move that looked a dead cert to take place, but didn't, was Zaragoza's prince of punks, Andrés d'Alessandro swanning off back to Argentina. Instead, the misfit midfielder will be sulking and swearing at
La Romareda for a few more weeks, at least, with the Argentine transfer market being open until 16th February. Home win.
Levante (20th) v Racing Santander (6th)
Normally on a Friday, this section is set aside for the smallest of snippets about the latest white flag waving footballer to leave Levante. But today, in the most ironic of ironies, it's about someone staying.
It seems that not content with appointing Dennis wise as executive director, Newcastle were on the brink of signing Levante's Alvaro Maior, a central defender in one of the worst back fours on earth, before thinking
better of it.
"We received an e-mail from Newcastle at 6pm (on Tuesday) and we accepted the offer,” president Julio Romero complained.
“It seems that they changed their mind since then. They forgot to tell us about it," continued Romero on the loss of three million euros which might have helped keep the bailiffs from Mustapha Riga's door for the next few months.
Atlético Madrid (4th) v Murcia (17th)
For football fans all over the world, the worst possible news was announced on Monday. Pablo Garcia, the Spanish football-hating hardman of Murcia, would no longer be talking to the press, as every time he
does it results in a fine, suspension or a United Nations resolution.
"I'm not going to speak till the end of the season," declared Garcia after last Sunday's defeat at the hands of Levante. "Murcia lost because of the ref who really ********* on us, like they have been doing in other grounds."
Garcia's mood was probably not improved later in the week, when it was announced that defender, Alvaro Mejía, was being handed a three match ban for picking up two yellow cards in the defeat and unleashing a
stream of abuse at the man in the middle. Some chill pills needed, 'La Liga Loca' thinks. Home win.
Villarreal (3rd) v Mallorca (13th)
Both sides should be forced to play Sunday's game wearing big pointy dunce caps as both sides were kicked out of the Copa del Rey, this week, thus missing out on all the fun of the action-packed competition, which restarts at the end of month.
Villarreal won't be there to hand out their third tonking of the year to Valencia, who face Barcelona, instead, whilst Getafe face Racing Santander, ensuring that the Catalan club look set to win something, this
season. Home win.
Valladolid (9th) v Valencia (11th)
Ronald Koeman's cunning plan of losing games but still winning, Copa del Rey style, is not working out so well in the league. Valencia are now nine matches without a victory with just two goals scored. And that
record is unlikely to be improved upon, on Sunday, in what will be a bad day for Valencia fans but a good one for those of us looking to see whether Joaquín is finally going to blub like a girl, in the middle of a
match. Home win.
Recreativo (18th) v Sevilla (7th)
Whilst channel surfing in idyllic idolness on Thursday night, 'La Liga Loca' came across a familiar face on 'Cuatro' - but not in a good way. Who was that idiot actor thinking that mumbling, having stubble and threatening to bust caps in people's asses in 'Cuenta atrás' makes him a tough, grizzled cop on the edge?
Why it was Dani Martin lead singer with Green Day rip off band, 'El Canto del Loco' - a man not content with trying to ruin all music, but doing the same for tv, too. Away win.
Barcelona (2nd) v Osasuna (15th)
Apparently bulls can't see colour and focus only on movement, so 'La Liga Loca's' metaphor of a trundling Ronaldinho being a red flag to Osasuna's team of filthy footballers doesn't quite work.
If FIFA regulations won't so pernickety, Messi should be able to run out onto the Camp Nou turf in a suit of armour, on Sunday, as that's the only thing that can protect him against a team who are looking to get out
of relegation trouble the only way they now how. By thumping. Home win.
Getafe (10th) v Espanyol (5th)
The absence of Tamudo with a broken arm wasn't enough to persuade Luis Aragones to recall Raul to the national side - an action that 'AS' are almost certainly going to see as some kind of declaration of war.
To show how sensitive a subject, the 'R-word' is to the Spanish manager, a question on a midweek radio show as to the real reason why the Aragones was not recalling the Real Madrid captain was met by Spain's
supremo completely losing the plot.
"You have lied all your life!" said a livid Luis to the interviewer who had suggested that he was being economical with the truth during the grilling. "You are a coward and liar, a coward and liar, a coward and liar, a coward and liar." Quite. Home win.
The Great Weekend Predictions - Round 22
Friday 01 February 2008 15:23
Saturday
Almería (8th) v Real Madrid (1st)
The last eighteen months have been tough ones for Ramón Calderón. Being detained in New York having been mistaken for a narco-trafficker and using a countrywide Jedi mind trick by claiming never to have wanted Kaká, have taken its toll on the shy and retiring Real Madrid president.
And that's why Calderón wants to reduce that tiresome trip between his office to the golf course from several kilometres to none, say 'Marca'.
The paper has revealed plans by the club to add an 18,000 seater sports pavilion, a luxury super hotel, a race track (of course) and a golf course to their training complex so Calderón can help improve his current handicap of 15.4.
And not one red cent of the club's money will be used to fund this vanity project, according to the paper - "Ramón Calderón is looking for companies who can bring in the necessary funding."
Expect Alfredo di Stefano being moved to the cheap seats from the presidential balcony to make room for a series of slicked-hair shifty hotshots, over the next few months. Draw.
Betis (14th) v Deportivo (19th)
Such is the desperation in Spain to broadcast this relegation thriller between two of the most tantalising teams on the planet, that not one but two tv channels will be broadcasting this match live.
But for those in Spain looking forward to a break from Andrés Montes' incessant gibberings on 'La Sexta' should not get their hopes up too high, as the last time that 'Telecinco' pirated a match, their cameras were positioned somewhere in orbit and could not see the corner flags.
Just another normal day in the never-ending tv wars. Home win.
Sunday
Zaragoza (12th) v Athletic Bilbao (16th)
With the Spanish economy about to collapse faster than Jesus Navas in the penalty area, this perilous pecuniary predicament has been reflected in a positively flaccid transfer market with only 29.3 million euros worth of deals being struck. Valencia were responsible for a large chunk of that with Ever Banega coming to Spain in more ways than one.
One move that looked a dead cert to take place, but didn't, was Zaragoza's prince of punks, Andrés d'Alessandro swanning off back to Argentina. Instead, the misfit midfielder will be sulking and swearing at
La Romareda for a few more weeks, at least, with the Argentine transfer market being open until 16th February. Home win.
Levante (20th) v Racing Santander (6th)
Normally on a Friday, this section is set aside for the smallest of snippets about the latest white flag waving footballer to leave Levante. But today, in the most ironic of ironies, it's about someone staying.
It seems that not content with appointing Dennis wise as executive director, Newcastle were on the brink of signing Levante's Alvaro Maior, a central defender in one of the worst back fours on earth, before thinking
better of it.
"We received an e-mail from Newcastle at 6pm (on Tuesday) and we accepted the offer,” president Julio Romero complained.
“It seems that they changed their mind since then. They forgot to tell us about it," continued Romero on the loss of three million euros which might have helped keep the bailiffs from Mustapha Riga's door for the next few months.
Atlético Madrid (4th) v Murcia (17th)
For football fans all over the world, the worst possible news was announced on Monday. Pablo Garcia, the Spanish football-hating hardman of Murcia, would no longer be talking to the press, as every time he
does it results in a fine, suspension or a United Nations resolution.
"I'm not going to speak till the end of the season," declared Garcia after last Sunday's defeat at the hands of Levante. "Murcia lost because of the ref who really ********* on us, like they have been doing in other grounds."
Garcia's mood was probably not improved later in the week, when it was announced that defender, Alvaro Mejía, was being handed a three match ban for picking up two yellow cards in the defeat and unleashing a
stream of abuse at the man in the middle. Some chill pills needed, 'La Liga Loca' thinks. Home win.
Villarreal (3rd) v Mallorca (13th)
Both sides should be forced to play Sunday's game wearing big pointy dunce caps as both sides were kicked out of the Copa del Rey, this week, thus missing out on all the fun of the action-packed competition, which restarts at the end of month.
Villarreal won't be there to hand out their third tonking of the year to Valencia, who face Barcelona, instead, whilst Getafe face Racing Santander, ensuring that the Catalan club look set to win something, this
season. Home win.
Valladolid (9th) v Valencia (11th)
Ronald Koeman's cunning plan of losing games but still winning, Copa del Rey style, is not working out so well in the league. Valencia are now nine matches without a victory with just two goals scored. And that
record is unlikely to be improved upon, on Sunday, in what will be a bad day for Valencia fans but a good one for those of us looking to see whether Joaquín is finally going to blub like a girl, in the middle of a
match. Home win.
Recreativo (18th) v Sevilla (7th)
Whilst channel surfing in idyllic idolness on Thursday night, 'La Liga Loca' came across a familiar face on 'Cuatro' - but not in a good way. Who was that idiot actor thinking that mumbling, having stubble and threatening to bust caps in people's asses in 'Cuenta atrás' makes him a tough, grizzled cop on the edge?
Why it was Dani Martin lead singer with Green Day rip off band, 'El Canto del Loco' - a man not content with trying to ruin all music, but doing the same for tv, too. Away win.
Barcelona (2nd) v Osasuna (15th)
Apparently bulls can't see colour and focus only on movement, so 'La Liga Loca's' metaphor of a trundling Ronaldinho being a red flag to Osasuna's team of filthy footballers doesn't quite work.
If FIFA regulations won't so pernickety, Messi should be able to run out onto the Camp Nou turf in a suit of armour, on Sunday, as that's the only thing that can protect him against a team who are looking to get out
of relegation trouble the only way they now how. By thumping. Home win.
Getafe (10th) v Espanyol (5th)
The absence of Tamudo with a broken arm wasn't enough to persuade Luis Aragones to recall Raul to the national side - an action that 'AS' are almost certainly going to see as some kind of declaration of war.
To show how sensitive a subject, the 'R-word' is to the Spanish manager, a question on a midweek radio show as to the real reason why the Aragones was not recalling the Real Madrid captain was met by Spain's
supremo completely losing the plot.
"You have lied all your life!" said a livid Luis to the interviewer who had suggested that he was being economical with the truth during the grilling. "You are a coward and liar, a coward and liar, a coward and liar, a coward and liar." Quite. Home win.
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or should I say 
