La Liga Loca

For some reason the old thread wasn't loading, so I'll just post the latest update by Tim Stannard here:

Monday, October 15, 2007
Much Ado About Nothing for Spain
The arms of King Laporta of Catalunya's throne must have been squeezed to breaking point on Saturday night. His request that his Barcelona players rest themselves were clearly being disobeyed.

The little legs of Xavi and Iniesta were whizzing around like little whizzy things to inspire Spain's 3-1 victory over Denmark - a victory that should see Luis Aragones scowling from the bench in his second international tournament, next summer.

Childish taunting from La Liga Loca aside, Laporta has been making valid points over the past few weeks concerning international players being returned broken, battered and bent to their salary paying clubs.

His calls for an insurance scheme to cover serious injuries picked up on international duty, as suffered by the likes of Michael Owen and Maxi Rodriguez, have been repeated by many figures in the game.

But, as Samuel Eto'o pointed out last week, it could be an impractical scheme for many countries - "I don't think my federation could pay this."

Where Laporta overstepped the mark for many in Spain, last week, was his comments that Barcelona players should take it easy during their international commitments. A request that some of his own footballers disagreed with.

"Every player should give everything they have. More so in international matches because of the prestige of playing for your country" argued Victor Valdes, a man who is perhaps not best qualified on this particular subject.

"Laporta doesn't know what it is to play in the shirt of your country" argued Real Madrid and Argentina's Gabriel Heinze, unaware that the Barcelona president almost certainly sleeps in pyjamas woven from the flag of Catalunya.

Spain's victory over Denmark has not reduced the pressure on Luis Aragones, who, despite being a bumbling fool, La Liga Loca does feel a tiny bit sorry for. In the same way you would feel sorry for a stray dog having stones thrown at it by local urchins - probably still some kind of festival in parts of Andalusia.

Marca's Roberto Palomer has called for the coach to step down after Wednesday's friendly with Finland - "there is no better time for him to retire."

Last week, the Spanish coach, tired of the endless Rául questions from the Madrid press, continued his media blackout and only did an interview for the FA's web page. "I have to be more serene than ever" argued Snowflake.

That serenity did last long when Aragones snapped and responded to the taunting of a tv station about the absence of Rául by spitting "How many World Cups has Raul played in? Three. And European Championships? Two. And many World Cups has be won? None."

In the end, Aragones was vindicated in his choice. As a rather excellent headline in Mundo Deportivo put it "La Noche de Raúl...Tamudo".

Meanwhile, back in La Liga, it has been as dull as being forced to watch Alatriste, twice.

Levante's financial problems have left some of its players unpaid - a situation that can never go well in the football world, but especially at this bottom dwelling club.

Sevilla president José del Nido has dismissed claims that his players have stopped drinking a 'special formula' containing secret ingredients, which is given to them by the medical staff, since the death of Antonio Puerta.

"It only contains natural products and vitamins" said del Nido.

El Pais are reporting that Atletico Madrid's plans to move into La Peineta have run into problems. Apparently the club are going to have to pay 160 million euros up front for the rebuilding work required at the rather battered athletics venue.

The paper reports that this may be a bit of an issue with the club whose debt ranges between 130 and 450 million euros - depending on who you believe - and who made a loss of 103 million euros over the last two seasons.

Rather worrying reports from Togo suggest that Freddie Kanouté needed stitches after being attacked by local fans after Mali's 2-0 win over their rivals, which saw them qualify for the African Nations Cup.

It is a result which also stuffs Sevilla royally, as they look set to be without Kanouté, Koné and Keita for a good six weeks, next year.

Marca, who are still in a spikey mood with Real Madrid, have reported the fascinating news that Rául is the most famous Spaniard in China.

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For the latest hot news on how Chris Coleman is faring in Real Sociedad. Just click here for full satisfaction.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

posted by Tim Stannard at 11:52 AM 0 comments

"Spain's victory over Denmark has not reduced the pressure on Luis Aragones, who, despite being a bumbling fool, La Liga Loca does feel a tiny bit sorry for. In the same way you would feel sorry for a stray dog having stones thrown at it by local urchins - probably still some kind of festival in parts of Andalusia.

My favorite line from this edition:

"Laporta doesn't know what it is to play in the shirt of your country" argued Real Madrid and Argentina's Gabriel Heinze, unaware that the Barcelona president almost certainly sleeps in pyjamas woven from the flag of Catalunya.

Laporta is a dick...I'm sure he wouldn't be so hysterical if there were a catalunyan national team(an official one recognized by FIFA and participating in tournaments) and his players wanted to play for it
Sandro Rosell for president!!!!

Barrilete_Cosmico wrote:Laporta is a dick!

You really didnt have to say too much after that

Barrilete_Cosmico wrote:Laporta is a dick...I'm sure he wouldn't be so hysterical if there were a catalunyan national team(an official one recognized by FIFA and participating in tournaments) and his players wanted to play for it
Sandro Rosell for president!!!!

Yeah, can you imagine lines like -

"we demand compensation for Oleguer and Valdes"

"it is unfair that Jorquera is not called up for the Catalan team"

If you enjoy football it's always worth watching some kids' stuff. Because my 12 year-old son is now playing for a club in the feeder leagues in the north of Spain (each region runs competitive leagues from the age of 10, sponsored by a combination of municipal councils and the biggest local clubs) I get to see quite a lot of games.

The great thing is that you often see aspects of the game in miniature that can lead you on to insights about the adult professional game.

On Saturday my son's team, second in the league, played a team called Tolosa, lying third. We were at home and we scored after five minutes - a soft goal, poorly defended, but you could tell that they were better than that. Indeed, after the initial biff-and-bang period, the visitors settled down and began to play some good stuff, almost all of it channelled through an elegant midfielder, with long blond locks in the style of Guti, circa the late 1990's.

My son's team were stumbling all over the place. They simply couldn't get near mini-Guti, who was ably abetted by another small midfielder. Guti had that natural touch, always making time for himself, always aware of where his team-mates were - quick on the ball and powerful when he decided to run with it. The home parents began to murmur and mutter restlessly.

After about ten minutes the inevitable happened, and the visitors equalised - a through pass from Guti and the winger cut inside and shot low under our keeper. From then on, it was almost embarrassing. Guti was wonderful, with poise beyond his years. My son, no slouch himself on a good day, and also a central midfielder, couldn't get near him. We hung on until half-time and were happy to go in at 1-1.

For the second half, the two young trainers decided on a tactical switch, taking off our right-sided midfielder and replacing him with another lad who doesn't get to play too much. Technically limited, he's nevertheless what you'd call 'solid'. If you sent him to the shop for bread, milk and the paper, that's what he'd come back with. Unimaginative but reliable. His errand for the second half was presumably to stop Guti from playing. Hold up your hands in horror, but it happens at this level too.

In the first minute of the half, Tolosa's goalkeeper threw the ball to Guti, who'd dropped to receive. As he turned to face downfield, the new boy was onto him in a flash, dispossessing him and almost creating a chance for a shot.

Then, two minutes later, the other little visiting midfielder received the ball in a good spot and looked for his blond accomplice, knocking a diagonal ball to him in the centre-circle - but our new boy had already seen the pass and cut off the line, intercepting it before it ever got to Guti. And so it went on.

Suddenly, the balance of the game began to shift. Mini-Guti began to slump, his body language changed, and he began to berate his fellow-players for failing to supply him.

The visiting manager became agitated and began to hurl a string of negative feedback at his players. One gem, aimed at the centre-back who was late for a tackle was 'Joder! Has llegado más tarde que Iberia' (You've arrived later than Iberia!) - a chide aping the eponymous airline which, as you may or may not know, has a slogan which announces 'Our aim is punctuality'.

And like magic, my son's team came into the game, their midfield began to take over, and the game changed so radically that if you'd arrived for the second half you'd have thought that the visitors were very poor indeed, which they were not. But denuded of their star player, of their organiser, Tolosa had no other strategy to fall back on.

It wasn't that the other players were poor. Far from it. But they just fell to pieces, and lost their shape. In no time at all, it was 2-1, then 3-1. Then we hit the bar twice and it could have been a thrashing, which would have been harsh on the visitors, but it ended 3-1.

I watched the blond Guti look-alike carefully during the second half, and he touched the ball twice. In the first half, he seemed to have it all the time.

The Real Socieded scout, sitting ten yards to my left and obviously there to watch this boy, had started to scribble notes furiously in the second half. I was dying to see what he'd written, but it was probably something along the lines of 'During first half, about to ring father and offer boy a contract. Second half, realised not worth the bother. Kid went missing in combat'.

After the game, I joined up with some of the parents as the kids were getting changed and indulged in the usual post-mortem that the Spanish so love. Most of the analysis was focused on the wonderful attitude of our players, of their transformation from dead-beats in the first half to slick passers and winners in the second.

But they'd missed the point completely, says he patronisingly. I didn't bother to make the point, but the game had simply pivoted on the introduction of the solid boy, and the mission he was given. From then on, the complexion of the game had changed so radically that our players were able to express themselves - because they were re-acquainted with the ball. It was hardly rocket-science, but it was extremely effective.

What's all this got to do with the price of fish? Well, as you'll no doubt have been aware, the domestic leagues took a break this past week due to the European Championship qualifiers, and the newspapers, starved of the usual league-based tittle-tattle, had been raving on for most of the week about whether Raúl should be brought back to the international fold, especially given the importance of last Saturday's game against Denmark, the fact that Raúl was back to form, and the fact that David Villa was injured.

The 'bring back Raúl' brigade had also been using the campaign to further ruffle poor Luis Aragonés, who has turned his back on the press and refused to speak to them any longer, apart from the official post-match general interview to the whole pack.

He has spoken rather paranoically of a conspiracy to get him out - which nevertheless seems a fairly accurate analysis. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Worst of all, the press pack has shown a distinct lack of support for the national team by continuing to provoke the old grump, instead of rallying behind the flag.

The Madrid-based whinge about Raúl is such an old canard that it hardly seems worth debating, but as you may have read the prediction in this column last week (ahem), Aragonés preferred the other Raúl (Tamudo) from Espanyol and was wonderfully endorsed in his decision by the striker opening the scoring in the tricky away game at Denmark.

All this after Torres was also injured the day before in training, causing a minor crisis in those parts of the country that cared.

Like the kids' team Tolosa, the national team's strength lies in the sheer numbers of creative midfielders that Aragonés has at his disposal. Spain has Europe's best midfield, at least in terms of its playmakers: Fabregas, Alonso, Xavi, Iniesta, Silva, Joaquín and Guti unable to even make the squad.

The further beauty of this lies in the fact that all these players are exactly the types who know how to feed David Villa, when he's playing. Small and mobile, preferring the ball into feet, he comes off defenders at speed and creates scoring opportunities both for himself and the supporting midfielders by being able to hold the line accurately - something that Torres is not quite so good at, although he's getting better.

But throw the Liverpool striker's physical presence into the mix, and you have a side that can easily win the tournament in summer - if they play to their strengths.

But there's the rub. Now that Baraja is no longer in the frame, the midfield has little protection, apart from that provided by the able but rather ponderous David Albelda. Spain need a Makelele, but they just don't have one. Neither do they have a very safe defence, particularly on the left side.

In the second half of the game in Denmark, with the hosts 0-2 down, it became clear that the left side was the channel to attack, and that's exactly what Denmark did, flinging over crosses that neither Albiol nor Marchena ever dealt with particularly well. Casillas came to the rescue, as usual, but when Spain come up against better sides in summer (because barring a miracle now, they'll be there) they'll have to impose their play, making sure that Alonso, Fabregas, and Xavi et al are free to do their stuff.

As Denmark realised, it's not actually so difficult to by-pass an opposition's midfield, as soon as you find a channel that you can exploit. As in the kids' match, as soon as one aspect of the Spanish game became exposed - its left side - the pattern of the match, up to then dominated by the visiting midfield, looked as though it might change.

When Denmark pulled a goal back five minutes from the end, nails were being bitten. Then Riera, on his debut, scored a cracker out of nothing, and class won the day.

Oddly enough, all this talk about Spain's midfield obscures the fact that their best player is actually Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos, who seems to get better with every game. His goal and Spain's second was a fantastic advertisement for Spanish football, and surely enough to get the critics off Aragonés' back.

As a flowing move of 28 passes left the Danish in disarray, the final ball played-in to the overlapping Ramos was too close to the goalkeeper, but Ramos arrived fractionally earlier, lifting the ball over the keeper's sliding advance with the most delicate chip imaginable, and sending the ball floating almost apologetically into the net.

Ramos has all the flash attributes necessary for superstardom, save the fact that he plays in the unfashionable position of full-back for Spain. He flits between there and centre-back for Madrid, depending who's on the menu, but if I were Aragonés, I'd look harder for a new pair of full-backs and move Ramos into the middle, even when Puyol comes back. I'd also look a bit harder for that boy who you can send to the shop on the simple errand. Villarreal's Marcos Senna? Possibly.

If Spain are allowed to play to their strengths in summer, then they may well end a long period of despair and actually win the trophy. But this is a team whose manager doesn't speak to the press, whose national anthem has no words, and whose record in major tournaments is less than impressive - for the very reasons outlined above.

So often packed full of great players, the teams' strategies have collapsed too easily once questions were asked of them. Just like a bunch of kids, in fact.

Makes sense for the most part except Ramos to the centre. How many fullbacks can do what he did and then you want to$h!thim to CB where he won't get opportunities to overlap.

I see Ramos' future position being CB. Him and Albiol are probably the future for Spain...Pique might be in with a shout but he's at a disadvantage because the other two have a few seasons of starting experience head-start.

plus the fact that Ramos has little positional sense.. very good right back but just a decent centre back..

Latest entry to the blog...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Marca Leave Way Open for More AS Licking

After months of sleeping in separate bedrooms and passing meaningless pleasantries as they pass on the stairs, it seems that both Villarreal and Juan Roman Riquelme have come to the same conclusion. It's all over.

It's time to divide the Snow Patrol cd collection, have one last spin through the photo album together and part company.

Riquelme's stunning free kick cameo in Argentina's 2-0 win over Chile has made his current role as the Yellow Submarine handy man untenable.

"It's time that Riquelme finishes with Villarreal" said club director José Manuel Llaneza. "But where else am I going to find someone who will pay be squillions to do sod all?" Riquelme failed to reply.

Current contenders to claim that honour are Manchester City and AC Milan, who have reportedly tabled a five million Euro bid.

Up in Castle GreySkull, Ramón Calderón woke up on Monday morning and realised that he had not done anything outstandingly dumb since opening his eyes twenty seconds previously.

So he decided to issue a complaint to the Spanish FA concerning the treatment of club mascot, Raúl, with the demand that it should organise a special tribute to the probably very embarrassed by the whole business Real Madrid number seven.

In response the FEF have rolled over like nat-nipped kittens to grant Calderón his preposterous wish. But no one seems sure what form this tribute will take. A fifty foot high statue of someone standing around not scoring? A giant 'I (heart) Raul' painted in the sky? Send your ideas for a suitable tribute to the Real Madrid captain to La Liga Loca.

Calderón then decided to claim credit for Spain's 3-1 victory over Denmark by saying it was all down to Real Madrid. "The stars of Spain were ours - Ramos and Iker" boasted the pumped up president, in an opinion that both pericos and culés might come together and contest. Or not.

Rather than harassing the already befuddled suits who run Spanish football, Calderón may want to consider how to patch up the ever worsening relations with Marca. For those with short memories or better things to do in their lives, here's a quick recap.

The feud began when the Madrid based paper ran a story concerning the very alleged corruption-themed activities of the Real Madrid president's sons.

Calderón responded by boycotting the paper's annual award ceremony and instructed every one else at the club to do the same. Marca retaliated by reporting that the club had been in secret talks with David Villa - something Real Madrid were forced to deny on their website.

On Wednesday morning, Marca decided to poke Real Madrid's rear again by publishing an interview with Villa concerning the interest from the Galacticos.

"It raised my spirits" said the striker, cheerfully. The Valencia hotshot then sent out a rather blatant 'come and can get me' to a club who would reportedly triple his current salary.

"Valencia know what I want and I know what they want" said Villa over ongoing contract talks between his agent and Juan Bautista Soler, the Mestalla president.

Marca comment that Real Madrid are following the well trodden path for signing big players. One - contact the player secretly. Two - let the papers find out. Three - deny everything. Four - watch the player's current club go mental. Five - ramp up the pressure. Six - sign them.

In a stroppy editorial, the paper has attacked Calderón for using Real Madrid's communication outlets for his own political means and have pointed out that he has failed to respond to claims from AS that Frank Lampard is being lined up for a January move.

Meanwhile, as one poster predicted, AS have stepped into the kiss-arse vacuum by breathlessly covering club plans to pour billions into their Valdebebas training facilities. These plans include the construction of residences for the academy players, hotels and a Disney themed crazy golf course, especially for the use of Guti.

Over in Laporta-Land, Barcelona's 'Tkiki' has displayed more cheek that Maniche in a thong, by asking both Samuel Eto'o and Yaya Touré to miss out on the African Nations Cup tournament and stay with Barcelona.

"Bugger off" was the reply from both, with Yaya pointing out that he warned the club about his international commitments when he signed for them, in the summer.

Citizen Oleguer has spoken out about his stint a few weeks back as a co-pilot in the Rally of Catalunya, an activity that probably broke the unbreakable Barcelona code of conduct. "The club would have given me permission...had I asked for it" declared the defensive legend.

"Ramón Calderón woke up on Monday morning and realised that he had not done anything outstandingly dumb since opening his eyes twenty seconds previously"

A giant 'I (heart) Raul'

...a Disney themed crazy golf course, especially for the use of Guti

This latest post has to be one of the funniest I've ever read. The entire section on Madrid, (are the Federation really giving him a homage? ) to the little gem towards the end - "Citizen Oleguer"

From now on I will only refer to him by that name.

"defensive legend"

'So he decided to issue a complaint to the Spanish FA concerning the treatment of club mascot, Raúl, with the demand that it should organise a special tribute to the probably very embarrassed by the whole business Real Madrid number seven.

In response the FEF have rolled over like nat-nipped kittens to grant Calderón his preposterous wish. But no one seems sure what form this tribute will take. A fifty foot high statue of someone standing around not scoring? A giant 'I (heart) Raul' painted in the sky? Send your ideas for a suitable tribute to the Real Madrid captain to La Liga Loca.'

Come on guys, suggestions on a postcard to Tim Stannard.

I suggest changing Raul's shirt number from "7" to "007"

The 00 is for the average match rating of his performances in the past 3 years

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Friday, October 19, 2007
The Great Weekend Preview
"Hooray ! The league is back!" cried La Liga Loca, on Friday morning as it tripped over the empty champagne bottles and peered out of its penthouse window.

But not everyone is feeling as enthused with the prospect of proper football, again. Marca doesn't like the world's game, anymore. Marca has watched rugby.

"There's such nobility, courage and energy," sighed its love struck editorial, on Friday. "At any moment, I expected someone to break their neck or leg," gasped Bertín Osborne on England's crushing of France. "But they got up...and ran! In football, one little tap and they are dead for three minutes."

Nevertheless, La Liga Loca still cares even if Marca has betrayed the cause - although they did find the energy to publish a fascinating story about a new table in Real Madrid's boardroom. A great insight into the current state of Spanish football journalism.

Round eight of the Primera kicks off on Saturday, although times have yet to be agreed upon by AVS, as they refused to turn up for the scheduling meeting, last week.

Abel Resino-less Levante host Sevilla. More revelations turned up, this week, of bottom of the table Levante's current prickly pecuniary predicament.

Former boss, Resino, confessed that he had only been paid three times, this year. On top of that, he claims that he is still owed money from 2006. And his pay off. "An owner can't keep putting money into the club or he'll be ruined," warned Abel.

Sevilla are looking to sort their season out with an away win, although Juande Ramos thinks he may have found one of the causes of the team's current slump - the constant tributes to Antonio Puerta.

Harsh as it sounds, Ramos wants to stop the flower laying and silences before their games as it is affecting his players - "a footballer can lose concentration in a minute's silence." A footballer can lose concentration staring at sparkly sweet wrappers floating in the wind. Especially Maniche.

Villarreal take on a Barcelona side who may be giving a debut to 12 year old wonderhorse, Bojan Krkic - providing the youngster finishes his homework and is in bed by eleven, of course, as per the club's new take it or leave it, rally driving-excluded code of conduct.

La Liga Loca's current least favourite team, Deportivo, will be fielding their 4-6-0 formation against Valencia, who have been forced to bat away rumours that David Villa will be off to Real Madrid in the summer, if the men from Mestalla end up with another trophy-less season.

At 10.00 on Saturday night, a side packed with hungry young talent and loaded with international superstars will be taking on Real Madrid - a Real Madrid without Arjen "I want to show that I am not made of crystal" Robben, who is now out for five weeks.

The Dutchman joins the tiny-headed Pepe on the sidelines - another fantastic investment by Calderón and co, over the summer.

On Sunday, Almería host Osasuna.

Valladolid take on an Athletic Bilbao, really needing a win. And the club have found a way to get it. Athletic Bilbao have discovered vitamins.

"When you ask the players if they eat fruit, they say they don't like to," claimed their nutritionist, as he waved a mango in Fernando Llorente's direction.

Real Betis play Racing Santander, a club that is about to lose the highly rated Ezequiel Garay to Real Madrid, or a Manchester United side that was sniffing around him, last season.

Despite Getafe's Mario Cotelo claiming that "there are no finals in October," his side have a final against Murcia, on Sunday. A win and all is well, says club president, Angel Torres.

A defeat and a third string team will be sent to London to take on Spurs in the UEFA Cup - and not because Paul Robinson plays for them. "I'm saving the players for the league," confessed the bearded big man.

Recreativo play the new rock and roll version of Mallorca and the round is wrapped up by a Sunday night match up between Atletico Madrid and Zaragoza.

Where to start on this one? Sergio Aguero following up his one minute of action on a recent Argentina trip to Australia, with seventeen minutes in two games in South America?Or José Antonio Reyes naming his new baby, José Antonio Reyes?

Or Zaragoza hobbits, Pablo Aimar and D'Alessandro getting into a very latin training ground scrap? - all pushing and slurs about each other's mother.

"You're a f**kwit" shouted D'Alessandro to his colleague, "I'm going to kill you!" And all over a game of Scrabble. Perhaps.

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All blog content copy right of La Liga Loca, 2007.

posted by Tim Stannard at 11:39 AM 2 comments

And here's a brilliant suggestion for a tribute to Raul, from one of the other readers of La Liga Loca:

It may be blatantly obvious but..:

"Raul-day"

A national day of chastity in which no one are allowed to score.

Monday's Good Day Bad Day:

Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round Nine

Did Quique have to go? Are Real Madrid certainties for the title? Is Giovani a cheat? All this and more in this week's Good Day, Bad Day.

Bad Day

Quique Sanchez Flores

Maybe poor Quique's days were numbered, when Manuel Angel Ruiz was appointed to replace Amedeo Carboni. It was Ruiz' gloomy 'state of play' report, on Sunday night, that Soler took to being the trigger to sack Quique - something he had been wanting to do for some time, one suspects.

That and a 3-0 defeat to Sevilla when the visitors offered nothing according to AS. And a faltering Champions League campaign.

Maybe Quique was undermined by the notoriously grumpy Valencia fans. Or maybe even the notoriously grumpy Valencia players?

Either way, La Liga Loca has a soft spot for Quique and hopes to see him and his scarf back on a touchline sometime soon. But that could be a long wait according to the great man himself - "I feel I have lost a job, but got back a life."

TV Viewers

On Friday, La Liga Loca warned that the Athletic v Betis match on Saturday night, maybe be akin to some kind of CIA-inspired torture. And shame on you if you failed to take heed and sat through the goalless draw.

Athletic Bilbao

This is not going to be a fun season for Athletic Bilbao fans. Especially for those poor souls watching at the San Mamés, where they have yet to win, this year. "If there is one team I like to beat, it's Betis," confessed Sevilla mad Caparrós before the match. Looks like he'll have to wait another six months for the chance to try again.

Real Betis

Get relegated, go mid table, fight for a European place. Whatever. Just do something. Please.

Miguel Angel Lotina

Always entertaining to watch the Deportivo coach in action in press conferences. Lotina just sucks the life and soul out of the room like the giant blobby doom monster in Spirited Away.

Marca described him having a 'poker face' on Sunday, as he talked about a defeat against Real Madrid that could have been a win. It looked more like a man with fifteen years worth of trapped wind, to La Liga Loca.

Valladolid

Another tremendous capitulation by the increasingly entertaining Valladolid, on Sunday afternoon. 2-0 up at Osasuna and looking forward to three points to lift them out of the relegation zone. Until a fearful five minute spell when Osasuna pulled the result back to 2-2.

"B*llocks, f*ck, sh*t, w*nk" were four words that Valladolid coach, Mendilibar didn't say in the post match press conference. But he should have done.

Villarreal

When the Yellow Submarine have a dodgy day, they go down in some style. The 4-1 thrashing by a previously rubbish Zaragoza follows on nicely from the 5-0 drubbing by Real Madrid. Marca cheekily suggests that the 'V' in Villarreal stands for 'Vertigo'.

Getafe

The early season version of Getafe is back, reports Marca, the one where they dominate games, but fail to score any goals. "We have to find solutions now, not in May' says David Belenguer. "If you don't scored, you don't win," says Michael Laudrup. "What! el Pato is still in goal in my fantasy team!" says La Liga Loca.

Recreativo

The Andalusians have now slipped into La Liga Loca's latest imaginary relegation zone, despite sitting two places above the real one. Four defeats in a row with no goals scored are worrying statistics for a Recre side who face a crunch match against Racing Santander on Wednesday and their former manager, Marcelino.

Good Day

Manolo Jiminéz

A 3-0 win over Valencia is a fairly good start for the new Sevilla coach. "It made me feel like a player again and the fifteen years I was here when people would sing my name," grinned the new man at the helm, after the game.

But for more on Sevilla's weekend, click here for the Spanish Thing.

Guti

La Liga Loca was already to fire both barrels at the red boot wearing waste of space. But then he pulled that killer pass to Robinho out of the locker to prevent the blog venting its spleen. However, the few seconds before that moment was typical of Guti's "what a nice sunny day, oh look a butterfly, it's only Deportivo and I really can't be arsed" attitude for much of the 3-1 victory.


With the overworked Fernando Gago offering himself in every move and working his booty off, Guti literally strolled towards the Deportivo penalty area before flicking in the pass to set up the third goal.

Whether it was down to the Sunday five o'clock kick off - siesta time in Spain - or the 80 minutes of lifeless dross being played out on the pitch, the Bernabeu was so quiet you could hear a bocadillo being dropped, for much of the match.

However, the bored Bernabeu crowd are probably looking at this year's champions.

Barcelona

La Liga Loca is going to put its hand up and confess that it has no idea if Barcelona's first goal was offside or not. The 'in play' 'out of play' rules seem to be interpreted in different ways, by different referees. It's all very confusing.

And this is a line being taken by Marca and AS who also express doubts over whether it was a valid goal or not. And it was a line being taken by the 'tertulias' on Sunday night, although they could argue about the sky being blue for hours, if required.

However, La Liga Loca is sure that the penalty was as dodgy as hell and is willing to declare that Giovani is indeed, the new Messi, in the cheating stakes. And Marquez' body slam on Negredo was highly dodgy, too.

Atletico Madrid

After Atletico's 0-1 win over Levante, Javier Aguirre revealed that a player told him that it was "a game they would have lost, last year". Aside from the fact that it was a game they won, last year, you know what he means.

The front two of Forlán and Agüero are performing footballing miracles at the moment, but Aguirre knows that this cannot last much longer and revealed that he is waiting for the day for Mista to return, so he can rest one of his front men. A worrying confession, indeed.

Espanyol

It was a weekend away to the Balearics for Paul from Barcelona. So let's hear all about it.

"For me away matches were always 20 blokes in the back of a transit and 8 hour trips to Torquay to watch Port Vale get beaten again.

How times have changed. A 30 minute flight to Mallorca in relative comfort, it was Spanair after all. Lots of Mickey taking or Leo taking really about anti-flying and did anyone speak German ? Yes actually, hi Rainer.

And unlike Barça our jet engine stopped whining at the airport. Also how exactly do you pronounce Son Moix ?

A healthy away support watched in horror as a maybe offside (?) Arango volleyed home after a great pass from Ibagaza. Only 2 mins gone. Then with an even better goal.

Arango glanced a beautiful header into his own net from Luis Garcia's free kick - 1-1. Tamudo's pace was causing problems and when he burst into the box he was bundled over by Ballesteros (possibly with a five iron). Penalty and Red card. Power pen 1-2. Tamudo is on a great run.

So 2-1 up against 10 men, we must win right? This is Espanyol. The better the team the better they play, but we are playing Mallorca. Then, in a moment of madness, the Tasmanian devil in footy boots, Clemente, body checked a Mallorca payer. We also have 10. A great individual goal from Guiza 2-2.

After this, either side could have won, but a draw was a fair result. 5 unbeaten for us against a team that Tim tipped to do well. He's not a bad judge. Great to see De La Peña back, he can only make us better.

So Real Murcia on Thursday night 10pm. Why oh Why. A win will say a lot about the rest of the season. A defeat or draw, same old."

Paul, Barcelona

Zaragoza

The omens were not great for Zaragoza during the week. The awful showing against Atletico on Sunday night, the funny business with d'Alessandro...but to prove for once and for all that football is indeed a funny old game, they slam four past high flying Villarreal. And in so doing, move La Liga Loca's 'CRISIS' sign over the heads of Recreativo.

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Anyone missed? Feeling unloved or outraged? Click on comments for your say.

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All comments copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

posted by Tim Stannard at 1:36 PM 0 comments

Tim has Real Madrid as champions

The latest from la liga loca...

A Plague of Locusts Upon Valencia....

There are three, basic rules of football journalism.

One - the latest goon in charge of England knows nothing. And he must always be told this.

Two - if you want to generate furious feedback, just make a sleight against the good name of Liverpool and take advantage of the 'Spamfield Affect'.

Three - make some kind of attempt to remain neutral.

However, inspired by the royal family's attitude towards endangered species, it's time for the Spanish Thing to tear up this rulebook, bake its tattered pages into a flan and feed it to the knackered-looking pigeon that lives in its roof.

First off, Steve McClaren is a visionary and decades ahead of the rest of you small-minded proles.

Secondly, a message to Liverpool fans. You can buy history, most sane people would rather drink turps than watch your long -ball infested matches and your stadium smells of wee.

And lastly, this column wishes nothing but misery and despair for Valencia for at least the next seven years.

May their footballers always play like Ivan Helguera on Wednesday night. May they make Real Betis look good.

The reason for this call for hellfire to be brought down to smite the men from Mestalla was the decision - or rather the decision of their puffed-up, pompous president Juan Bautista Soler - to fire Quique Sánchez Flores in the early hours of Monday morning.

For a club that had never employed a manager for more than three seasons in a row since 1970 this was no great surprise.

The sacking of a coach whose team was in fourth place in the league in October, and just four points off the top, was just another example of 'the insane way this club manages itself', opined Marca's lead writer Santiago Segurola.

Over the past few seasons Héctor Cúper, Claudio Ranieri and Rafa Benitez have all had a spell in the Mestalla hot seat and found working with the club's leaders, players and fans a near impossible task.

Quique is joining this list of distinguished names who, it must not be forgotten, have helped lead Valencia to two league titles, a Spanish Cup victory, a UEFA Cup and two Champions League finals over the past ten years.

"I feel I have lost a job, but got back a life," sighed the latest Valencia ex the day after his dismissal.

The immediate reason given for Quique's sacking was two poor results and a doom-filled 'state of play' report by the club's newly arrived sporting director Miguel Angel Ruiz - a report no doubt detailing exactly what Soler wanted to hear. A coach who was unpopular with sections of the fans, players and board had to go.

A dreadful defeat to Rosenborg in the Champions League and a 0-3 away loss to a resurgent Sevilla a few days later was the tip of the footballing iceberg for Soler, who was failing to see the return he wanted on a summer of heavy investment.

All these reasons would be quite valid if it were not for one key point. Juan Bautista Soler is a bumbling fool who, like most club presidents in Spain, know as much about football as they do about tax returns.

In many ways, Quique was lucky to have lasted this long. Last season, in his second year in charge, the team struggled badly with horrendous injury problems and could only manage fourth.

It was a great achievement applauded by most in Spain - except Quique's bosses who failed to understand that having 200 players in the treatment room can make life difficult for a side.

The team's performance was also affected by constant squabbles over hirings and firings with the former sporting director Amedeo Carboni, which led to the sourest of atmospheres that was not cleared until the Italian's sacking over the summer.

But those who thought that Soler was now backing his manager have now been proved wrong.

The major problem at Valencia is that the club is built on institutional quicksand with continuous damaging struggles between those in power and those wanting it.

'At a club of factions, the team reproduces those factions,' wrote Santiago Segurola.

This happened in spades at Valencia with groups of players who didn't mind Quique and others that hated him. There were some that wanted ham at the team lunches and others that wanted cheese, and so on and so on.

It was unfortunate that the manager in charge of this band of moaning mavericks was tough, driven and not one to suffer any kind of nonsense.

When the boss put an arm around a player, it was in an attempt to choke the life out of him for a poor performance, not to raise his spirits.

Every week in the Spanish press there were stories from footballers ready to have a pop at their former coach.

'Nightclub' Asier del Horno, currently on loan to Athletic Bilbao, claimed that he would never go back to Valencia with Quique in charge whilst David Navarro - now at Mallorca but famous for punching Nicolas Burdisso and legging it like a girl - took a similar line.

"He's had two managers in two years, Jose Mourinho and myself, who decided he was not good enough to be at a top club," replied Quique to del Horno's moans, "and if he keeps on talking about me, we're going to have problems," he added.

As for the rest of his squad, Sánchez Flores had to manage David Villa constantly batting his eyelids at Chelsea and Real Madrid; Vicente's fake injuries - or so the club doctor thought - David Albeda's demands for more cash; Fernando Morientes' complaint that it was 'too cold' against Rosenborg and Miguel's confession that he liked a cigarette, a good night out and was probably five kilos overweight and in no mind to do anything about it, thank you very much.

It was little wonder that the relationship between manager and footballer was not always harmonious.

In the same way a child will mirror the behaviour of their peers, so did the Valencia fans who are, without doubt, the worst in Spain.

Win, lose or draw, the Mestalla crowd boos and whistles its way through matches. The whining is louder than Leo Messi after Barcelona's draw at Rangers. At times it's like the stadium is populated by 50,000 clones of José Antonio Reyes. 'Quique out!' signs have been on display from before he even arrived.

But that's not where the constant barracking ends for Valencia's players and coaches. Regular trips are made to the club's training ground by supporters to shout abuse at their squad for being drunkards, shagging too much, not caring or being overpaid.

This fantastic loyalty, this bond between team and supporter, was in evidence again on Wednesday night when fans started streaming out of the Mestalla after just 36 minutes.

Granted, they were 4-0 down to Real Madrid at the time.

Soler had made the inspired decision to kick Quique out just a few days ahead of their biggest match of the season. A match where a win would have moved the side to within one point of the league leaders. A match that could have given the team the boost it needed.

But instead of Sánchez Flores and his natty neck scarf glaring from the sidelines, it was reserve team coach Oscar Fernández - a man who is apparently just 33 but looks like many of those years may have been spent in a gulag.

To suggest that Fernández was a little out of his depth is an understatement. This was
Prince floundering in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

"We will make Real Madrid suffer," boasted the caretaker coach ahead of the match. And for the 44 seconds before Raul scored the opener in the 5-1 demolition, it was touch and go for Bernd Schuster's boys.

Valencia's defeat was exactly what the side deserved. The only disappointment on the night was that there wasn't a camera fixed permanently on Soler's moustache-filled face as he watched his directionless rabble chasing shadows out on the pitch.

"This isn't the first time we've seen something like this this season," pointed out the Valencia big cheese as he defended himself against the inevitable insults hurled in his direction by what was left of the home support.

The man to move into Quique's position is PSV's Ronald Koeman, who is set to be unveiled on Friday.

The Dutchman is fortunate enough to have the best squad in the division at his disposal when nobody's injured.

However, the downside is that he also has to work with the worst fans and leaders too.

It is true that Valencia had not been playing fantastic football so far this season. But with David Villa and Vicente returning from injuries, the newly-arrived Nikola Zigic starting to settle in and Joaquín in the form of his life, the decision to kick Quique Sánchez Flores into touch and start all over again looks foolhardy. Their situation is not 'irreversible' as the club declared on Sunday night.

The decision to ditch yet another boss was simply a self-serving one by Juan Bautista Soler, a man who wants a 'big name' to lead his club.

And a man this column hopes will spend many more years being abused by his own supporters. He deserves nothing more.

Can't agree more. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, Valencia have machine gunned theirs into smithereens.

What next for Quique? Any chance he may go abroad, eg England? I'd say he would do just fine at Liverpool.

Monday, November 05, 2007
Monday's Good Day, Bad Day - Round Eleven
For this week's Spanish Thing ramblings click here. And for its glorious return to Real Madrid tv's Extra Time, keep an eye out from this evening onwards.

Good Day

Villarreal

The Yellow Submarine has now played Real Madrid, Barcelona, Atletico, Zaragoza and Valencia in their opening eleven matches of the season. The Yellow Submarine has picked up nine points from these matches - a handy haul that leaves them just one point of the top, in third.

In a rare bit of actual work on Sunday, La Liga Loca asked Giuseppe Rossi and Jon Dahl Tomasson if Villarreal for the title was worth a cheeky punt. 'Probably not' was the answer. Rossi replied that a Champions League spot was the goal of the side and the Dane commented that "it's a long season, let's see."

On Sunday, Villarreal showed that a run at the title may be worth a go. Throughout the 4-3 win against Atletico Madrid, they were patient, calm and seemed to be able to score at will. Even at 3-2 down, one suspected that Manuel Pellegrini's men would always get back into the game and so they did thanks to the excellent Nihat.

Once next weekend's match at Sevilla is out the way, Villarreal can enjoy a run that sees them taking on the cannon fodder of the Primera - the kind of teams they overturned to grab a late UEFA spot, last season.

Ronaldinho

Critics will say that if you cannot beat Betis at the moment, then you are in trouble. A little harsh perhaps. The best part of the match was seeing Ronaldinho smiling again - and playing the whole ninety minutes as opposed to a disheartening substitution.

"Barcelona dominated without too much difficulty" wrote Sport - however, that has not been too much of an issue at home. The real problems have been away from the Camp Nou where Barca have only managed one win.

Next week, they face a resurgent Getafe - a side with a tendency to raise their game against the big sides as they showed last year and this season in their pounding of Real Madrid. It's a game that Barça have to win to keep up the pressure on the league leaders.

Guti

An odd choice for a good day considering he spent match of Saturday being booted about as well as picking up his fifth yellow of the season. However, in the kind of match where he often disappears from, Guti was one of the positive points on a disappointing night for Real Madrid. He kept on trying to create chances and only lost his rag once, when charging into Poulsen - someone who had spent much of the match doing the same to Guti.

It is also heartening to see that statistics show that Guti is, again, one of the most fouled players in the league.

As the Spanish Thing wrote, it wasn't necessarily a bad performance from Real Madrid, they were just beaten by a side that were a lot better than them on the night.

Fernando Morientes

At least something is working in the Valencia side, aside from the coffee machine. Two classic poacher's goals to bring some cheer to the ché's on Saturday night, in the 0-2 win at Mallorca. However, Ronald Koeman, who watched this match from his sofa, still has a lot to do - starting with grabbing three points against Rosenborg to keep his new team in the Champions League.

Valladolid

The win against Zaragoza was Valladolid's second of the season - the first being in the opening day of the season. The win against Zaragoza was also the reason why predicting results in the Primera is a bit of a waste of time.

Christian Riganò

Hells Bells. It took Levante ten matches to score their first three goals of the season. But it took them just thirty five minutes to score their next three with Italian striker Christian Riganò showing the kind of form that saw him bang in 19 goals in 27 matches for Messina, last year.

"He's a player who needs to feel wanted and important," explained manager Giovanni de Biasi as he pinned a big gold star onto his on fire forward.

Getafe

Oupa Geta! Three wins from the last four in the league leads Getafe out of the relegation zone and repays the faith shown in el Pato by La Liga Loca, with his restoration to its fantasy league team.

The late, late win over Osasuna - an undeserved one grumbles Ziganda - leaves Michael Laudrup and co in high spirits for next weekend's match. "We can prepare for the Barcelona game with calmness," beamed the Danish coach.

Racing Santander

An unremarkable draw with Espanyol leaves Racing six matches unbeaten and in 8th - cracking figures for a team that many expected to struggle. Considering the lack of summer transfer activity and the loss of Zigic, it has been a fine performance from Marcelino who must surely be moving on to bigger and better things in the future, especially after the season he had at Recreativo.

Joseba Etxeberria

You could almost here the creaking bones and cracking joints from Madrid as the Athletic Bilbao old timer managed not one, but two strikes to beat Recreativo. Athletic's first win at home, this season, will be heralded as a return to form for the Basque club. But it is nothing of the sort. It was a win against a side at the wrong end of the table who haven't scored a goal in six matches.

Bad Day

Bernd Schuster

You are definitely doing something wrong if Telemadrid and Marca are criticising your conduct. Bernd Schuster's comments about the Catalan referee, on Saturday night, sit alongside his other somewhat tempestuous outbursts this season.

If the German isn't going to lose the plot completely, then he needs to watch some old clips of Fabio Capello in press conferences. And learn. A journo could suggest that Capello's wife was the biggest slapper in Spain and he would merely shrug, give him or her a look suggesting they were an idiot and move on. The Italian was bullet proof.

Schuster's side are top of the league both in Spain and in their Champions League group. Lord knows what will happen when the club goes through an iffy spell.

Atletico Madrid

If there was one thing that could cheer up La Liga Loca after being ripped off by some scum bag cafe when buying its half-time bocadillo, it was watching Atletico's comedy defending, on Sunday evening. It was less Keystone Cops, more Metropolitan Police.

All four of Villarreal's goals were preventable and Javier Aguirre knows it too. "In the second half they had just two shots...just two shots," said the Mexican manager in despair, rubbing his forehead.

The one positive is that Atletico Madrid are now officially the most entertaining team in the galaxy with eleven goals scored and ten conceded in their last four matches.

Zaragoza

1-0 and losing out 2-3 at home to Valladolid is exactly the kind of thing that happens if you play Gabi and Luccin from the start. How many times do they need to be told!

Osasuna

"It will be a good day to see what we want to do this season," said Ziganda before Sunday's defeat to Getafe. Oh dear.

Real Betis

No surprise there. Hector Cuper moves to the top of La Liga Loca's sack race. And it could happen as early as next week if he does not pull something out of the bag at home to Zaragoza, next Sunday.

TVE-2

Slightly off topic but a rant is deserved. Do not boast and advertise the biggest match in Europe - Arsenal v Man Utd - when you have no intention in showing it live, but instead FOUR FRICKIN' HOURS LATER!! AND AFTER FRICKIN' MOTOR BIKES AND FRICKIN' TENNIS!!!!

Santiago Segurola from Marca was felt the same way. "Spanish television threw the match in the bin," he fumed on Sunday, "it was a supreme excercise in incompetence".

It seems that not content with screwing up their own league, Spanish tv bosses are targeting the English one, as well.

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Anyone missed? Just click on comments for your say.

Latest column is a long one:

Thursday, November 08, 2007
Dark Days Return to Spain
Multi Media Update - you can here The Spanish Thing get the name of the new Sevilla coach wrong here, on the latest 365 podcast.

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For a while, it seemed as if the long hours of patient negotiations were going to be rewarded.

For a while, it seemed as if the people of Spain were going to experience something akin to a normal life, again.

For a while, it appeared as if the ceasefire between Marca and Real Madrid was going to hold.

But everything was shattered on Thursday morning in an event that US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, described as 'worrying'.

Over the past few weeks, something resembling normal day to day life had began to return to the paper. Real Madrid fans were starting to feel confident enough to glance at it without having to read something bad about their club.

Fawning and obsequious tributes to the omnipotent "club of the century" had began to reappear. "We really thought that it was all over," sobbed Manolo Vasquez, owner of Bar Raul and life long fan.

The ceasefire was shattered in dramatic fashion, on Thursday, when Real Madrid fans picked up the day's edition featuring Sergio Ramos on the cover.

Expecting another 'isn't he wonderful!' story, shocked supporters were horrified to discover that the paper was reporting that another club wanted to buy him - that club being AC Milan.

"This kind of idle transfer speculation is just so wrong," cried Vasquez as he wrapped himself in the comforting pages of AS and curled up in the corner of his bar.

But that was not all. The daily paper also claimed that the Real Madrid players were unhappy at having to stay over night in Greece, after the Olympiakos match, before waking up at five to return to the Spanish capital and training.

Whats more they had no tea after the session, as the catering team had not been told of the schedule.

The reason given by the club for the overnight stop is that the players benefited from a night of rest before travelling.

The reason given by Marca is that their twenty five year old, rust bucket, super jet, 'La Saeta' is unable to fly at night due to its regulation shattering noise. And the pilot's need to follow the Mediterranean coastline to find his way home.

However, there were early signs that cracks were starting to appear in the ceasefire agreement, several days ago.

Marca had reported that the Portuguese police were investigating Pepe's move from Benfica, over the summer.

These cracks turned into a chasm on Thursday, when the paper published the comments of leading football writer, José María García - "how can Pepe, who was valued at 8 million last season, be transfered for 30 million?"

"October's ceasefire was the last, best chance of peace," claimed Ban Ki-Moon, "I fear the worst for the future".

There is no such 'unhelpful' talk to be found at the increasingly North Korea sounding, Barcelona comic Sport.

"The spectators are enjoying themselves at the ground and are leaving happy," reported Thursday's editorial. "Don't look at the score against Rangers," it later instructed - an instruction the fans ignored with only one player scoring over 70% in a post game poll on the team's performance.

After brushing over the handball-helped first effort from Thierry Henry, the paper later went onto to support Joan Laporta's claims that the club's newly created uranium enrichment programme was merely for 'peaceful' purposes.

La Liga Loca's call for seven years of misery and despair upon Valencia is coming along nicely, after Ronald Koeman's men were rolled over 0-2 by Rosenborg, having offered up a display the opposition coach described as cowardly.

"F**king hell, it was only Steffan f**king Iverson!" Trond Henriksen, failed to add.

Valencia's captain, David Albeda, claims that the players don't know what is happening to them - "we don't know what is happening to us."

However, José Mari Bakero, the club's new second in command - and future caretaker manager - has a clear idea of what to do next. "We have two options, take a step forward, or a step back. We're going to take a step forward," he confirmed.

Darth de Lopera had confirmed that talks are going ahead with an unnamed party for the sale of his majority stake in Real Betis. But fans should not get too excited yet. "If I don't want to sell, I won't. I don't have children and I don't need the money," boasted Spain's answer to Cliff Richard.

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Rant Time

Spanish television is continuing to destroy everything it touches. Both La Liga and English football have been ruined for the viewer and the Champions League is next, it appears.

For some months, Antena 3's coverage of the competition has merely been annoying. This week it turned into very f**king annoying, indeed. Here's why.

Tuesday - Olympiakos v Real Madrid live coverage

- missing the start of the second half because of the presenter talking rubbish for too long.
- the three commentators talking over each other for 90 minutes.
- the three commentators talking about what programmes were coming up next on Antena 3, once the annoyance of the football was finished.
- cutting away from the match, two seconds after it had ended.

Wednesday - The highlights show

- starting twenty minutes late. And after midnight.
- presenters constantly looking into the wrong camera.
- showing two minutes of football in the twenty five minute show.
- showing fifteen minutes of advertisements in the twenty five minute show.
- telling you the score and showing interviews with managers / players before the brief highlights are shown.
- having freaky people doing these interviews.
- attempting live commentary over the 'highlights', hence screaming 'GOOOL' two seconds before Henry slotted in the first for Barcelona.
- failing to show any goals from Tuesday night's matches.
- having your musical finale run with the English words "Champions League audio track two' in the background every thirty seconds.

Rant over

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Emails...Emails...Emails...

My main reason for writing is, for a change, not to complain about Pablo
Garcia, currently breaking ankles and "leading by example" at Murcia, but
instead the exploits of one Mahamadou Diarra. At Lyon, he seemed to me a solid defensive midfielder, perhaps a bit rough, but not too bad. At some point last season, however, it seemed to me he started becoming more overtly violent, particularly (but not limited to) the way he used his elbows.

The highlight of this season (thus far) for him has had to have been his not-at-all-delicate piece of facial rearrangement on Jose Angel Crespo. In the roughest game in La Liga that I've ever seen, that was the most brutal foul - a clear swing at the head of Crespo.

How on earth Diarra didn't get sent off is beyond me (though your quoted comments on the quality of Spanish refereeing may help answer that). When I see the piddling things that have gotten yellows for some players and observe that
Diarra got nothing, I just shake my head.

I presume that Crespo is the player referred to in reports as having been rushed to hospital with a depressed fracture of the cheekbone. Any word on how he's doing?

Cheers,
Doug

He has been operated on and has had his cheekbone reconstructed. 'Very painful', says the player - La Liga Loca.

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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007

posted by Tim Stannard at 11:55 AM 3 comments

A very funny post:

Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Marca's Knee in the Knackers for Calderón
Marca's 'Schuster to England!' and 'Ramos to Milan!' stories published over recent weeks were merely the daintiest of digs aimed in Real Madrid's direction, compared to what they ran in their editorial section on Sunday.

The daily paper went for a full on kick in the gonads by suggesting that Rámon Calderón had rigged last year's presidential election and was milking the club for every penny it was worth, like a starving dairy farmer.

The writer giving the hefty boot into the Bernabeu outfit was J. Antonio Abellán, who also went on to accuse the Real Madrid bigwig of giving away club memberships to curry favours and pocketing whopping great commissions from tv deals and player purchases.

"(Real Madrid) has been good for the personal and economic promotion of Calderón and his hangers on, but bad for Real Madrid," he declared.

All untrue, replied the defendant on Spanish radio, on Monday, branding those who attack him as "mentally unbalanced".

The Real Madrid boss claimed that he took no salary from Real Madrid and just claimed expenses from "when I travel in the club's name."

Calderón said that his income came from his old law firm and his wife's decorating business. "I live like a normal, middle class person," said the down to earth man of the people.

He also denied pocketing 40 million euros in commission from the club's recent tv rights deal or anything from Pepe's purchase.

Wouldn't be surprised

Whats more, club super jet, 'La Saeta' isn't a noisy heap of junk, according to Calderon, "the airplane makes airplane noises, nothing more," bellowed the hearing impaired bigwig on the plane that is unable to fly at night due to noise regulations.

Talking about "mentally unbalanced" people, Marca's Roberto Gomez has suggested that Pepe is the 'heir to Hierro'.

The man who has the unenviable task of having to kiss both Ramon Calderón's and Fabio Capello's arse writes that the four matches he has seen Pepe play in has convinced him that "we are before a footballer of our age".



Incidentally, in the four matches he played in, the pin-headed Pepe has helped concede five goals.

More secrets have emerged on the reasons for Raul's recent revival. As well as sleeping in an oxygen tent, it seems that the Real Madrid striker is put into cryogenic suspension after each game. Sort of.

This being cheap arsed Spain, the striker is made to stand in a pool of ice after every match - a revolutionary technique used by other clubs for decades now.

Let's hope he has plenty of time to recover before seeing Mrs Raul.

The story did give AS the excuse to publish the fantastic story that Betis once decided to conduct the kind of experiment on its players than only astronauts normally have to endure.

Last season, the club shoved six of its squad into a cold chamber and dropped the temperature down to a fatal sounding -140F.

This maybe something the new Betis manager, Paco Chaparro wants to employ on his forward line. Just to cheer himself up.

Manuel Ruis de Lopera has decided to hand his latest stooge a contract to the end of the season with "the basic task of not going into the Segunda."

And he has a very good chance of achieving this aim. Chapparo is one of the hottest young managerial talents in Spain and has been tipped for the Barcelona post, in the future.

Nor really. Poor Paco is 65 years old and has been plucked from Betis B, where the only notably thing he has achieved in his career is to get them promoted.



One of Paco's reported managerial tricks is to force his charges to read Sun Tzu's "The Art of War". Unless, there is a version with naked ladies on alternate pages, he is unlikely to have much luck with this cunning plan with his new players.

La Liga Loca suspects that de Lopera just popped down the local Dia, grabbed the nearest dribbling geriatric and stuck him in a green track suit.

A fuming Espanyol president, Daniel Sánchez Llibre, has responded to accusations from Barca's Joan Laporta that he is infantile by commenting that "at least I never been stood in my underpants at the airport." A good point.

And finally, Levante's Iñaki Descarga has talked about being knocked out during Sunday's Getafe match, an incident he has fully recovered from, by the way. "I don't remember a thing," revealed the club captain.

Reports are now coming through that the side's supporters have begun smashing themselves on the head with frozen legs of ham to try and erase the entire season from their memories.



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All blog content copyright of La Liga Loca, 2007.

posted by Tim Stannard at 10:44 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Return of Florentino Perez

There were quite a few topics of conversation pinging between the hacks shivering in the Bernabeu during the second half of the Lazio game. After all, some kind of stimulus was needed to stay awake and not succumb to the cold during a fairly pointless forty five minutes of football.

Incidentally, the fascist Ultras of Real and the fascist Ultras of Lazio entertained themselves by Nazi saluting each other throughout the match and singing lovely songs about the greatness of Paulo di Canio. Charming.

Instead, the journos pondered topics like, could even Betis beat Lazio? Is it true that there is a player revolt against Koeman at Valencia? And who is behind Marca's never ending attacks on Real Madrid?

The answers were - yes, maybe and Florentino Perez.

That's right. The dark hand of the former Real Madrid big cheese is the man orchestrating the slur fest of recent months. The latest volley in this campaign was the accusation that Rámon Calderón wanted to flog Rául when he took over the Bernabeu throne in the summer of 2006. A throne that became vacant when Perez threw his toys out of his pram and stormed off, let's not forget.

For once, La Liga Loca agrees with the current president on the Rául issue. Calderón apparently questioned his technical team on whether the club were getting good value from their enormously expensive captain - the right question to ask back in the days when Rául was rubbish.

Marca rounded up a lynch mob to attack Calderón - "it's disgraceful that the club wanted to sell him," exclaimed Roberto Carlos and the paper then went on to (incorrectly, it turns out) accuse the president of shouting at Spain's Minister of Sport in a restaurant after an incident involving Marca's editor, a cheap arse award, Paco Gento and a plastic bag.

Entertaining as all this is, jumping into the journalistic bed with Perez shatters what little credibility remained in Spanish sporting journalism. Madrid must be very short of brown envelopes, at the moment.

Speaking of lunacy, the FA's arbitration board met on Tuesday to hand out Athletic Bilbao's punishment for their fans hitting Iker Casillas on the head with a can and narrowly missing him with a penknife.

The stinging rebuke was a 600 Euro fine, although the club did write a letter of apology to the goalkeeper. So that's alright then.

The board also decided to take back Sergio Aguero's first yellow card from the Getafe match - the most obvious one - leaving him free to take on Recreativo at the weekend. They also got round to suspending Osasuna's Puñal.

The Pamplonan midfielder actually picked up his fifth yellow card - the suspension tipping point - at their home match against Sevilla last Wednesday.

However, the buffet hoovering busy bodies did not want to interrupt Thursday's public holiday and Friday's 'bridge' day by doing their job, so Puñal was free to play against Valencia, last weekend - where he picked up his sixth.

Bojan Krkic will be looking to become the youngest ever Champions League scorer, at just 11 years and 15 days. Lining up to try to stop him in this feat is the less than impressive back four of Stuttgart.

There was a whiff of excitement in the Madrid press with the news that Frank Rijkaard forced Ronaldinho into extra training on Monday, after the rest of his teammates had gone to the dressing room.

With a face like thunder, d'inho was dressed in a José Maria Aznar t-shirt and chased around the pitch by an axe wielding Oleguer.

Glad you posted this, Tim came up with some real gems...really had me laughing out loud and made for a good start to the day

Other favourites of mine:

However, the buffet hoovering busy bodies did not want to interrupt Thursday's public holiday and Friday's 'bridge' day by doing their job, so Puñal was free to play against Valencia, last weekend - where he picked up his sixth.

Incidentally, the fascist Ultras of Real and the fascist Ultras of Lazio entertained themselves by Nazi saluting each other throughout the match and singing lovely songs about the greatness of Paulo di Canio. Charming.

Also, I guess here is the best place to post this...the mention of Bojan in the article above comes from SPORT, who were convinced he would start today and become the youngest ever scorer in the CL. But it's quite amusing that he hasn't started.

And if it was possible, they actually seem to be getting worse by now picking up their transfer rumours from the English tabloids. For example, the headline right now is about us signing Modric, which the Daily Star or something made up this morning

Another Sticky Situation for Valencia

The internet has given us many, many great things. It is given us the chance listen to Manuel Ruiz de Lopera whenever we want and, of course, it has given us La Liga Loca.

It has also given bored footballers something to do when they are not driving into police cars like Royston Drenthe or flicking through Stuff magazine in the gym, like Ronaldino.

The latest player to do an Ashley Young and be in urgent need of screen clean is Ever Banega, Valencia's latest 18 million euro purchase - once Real Madrid get their two million dollars, that is. The Argentinean was recorded, ahem, relieving himself of some stress when visiting one of the t'internet's dirty places.

The man of the moment was at Valencia's goalless draw with Levante on Sunday and he knows the job in hand, ahead of him. The former / current Boca Juniors player is renowned for his hard tackle and is definitely his own man - two qualities Ronald Koeman is desperate for as he looks to Banega to give everything he's got on the pitch, week in, week out.

An anti-Soler protest organised for Sunday lunchtime by a Valencia fan group fell rather flat when only three hundred fans turned up. "It's lunchtime and Reyes," shrugged one supporter with nothing better to do with his time. However, things did liven up when a group of pro-Soler fans turned up for a session of finger stabbing and shouting with their opponents.

Barcelona's attempts to save Ronaldinho, or least increase his market value as much as possible, seems doomed to failure. The Brazilian has returned from the winter break and resumed his residency in the club gymnasium with a hurty knee.

D'inho has had just three training sessions in fifteen days, but is still expected to travel to Sevilla for Wednesday's Copa del Rey clash, with the plan being to coax the striker out of the gym using a pastie and some cash on a stick. Another player travelling is Thierry Henry, who a desperate Sport claim is "needed more than ever."

The Osasuna coach has come up with a bold new tactic to boost his side's flagging campaign. Mad Cuco Ziganda has revealed that, "we are going to have to die in every game," - a tactic that may well require a busy time in the winter transfer market and some adjustments to current players' contracts.

Nearly every paper in Spain - except the Barcelona ones - are heaping praise on Iker Casillas for his 9, 11 or 55 great saves he made, depending on which rag you pick up.

Marca's crack investigation team came up with the revelation from one of the goalkeeper's friends that when going to his favourite restaurant, "he normally eats meat. He loves it."

Iker, who has now gone 378 minutes without conceding a goal, has advised that, "I'm not Saint Iker. I don't like it. I'm Iker Casillas."

In other news at Castle Greyskull, it appears that the club's newly employed stadium announcer has received a wrap on the knuckles - with a metal bar hopefully - for his recent matchday performances.

The idiotic orator has been deafening the crowds by blasting early 90's cheesy house music (Snap!, for heaven's sake) at eardrum shattering volumes and interrupting corners by playing, "We Will Rock You," over the speakers - something that the players have become increasingly fed up with, too.

Levante continue their downward spiral with the news that a further eight members of their squad are buggering off and joining Marco Storari who left the not so much sinking, as seabed resting ship, over the the weekend.

In other news, Racing's Pedro Munitis is out for up to two months with a knacked wrist - an injury that would be very bad news indeed for Banega. Maniche is on the brink of joining Inter Milan on loan, having turned down three offers from the Premiership.

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La Liga Loca's Sack Race

Miguel Angel Lotina (Deportivo) - 5/1
Ronald Koeman (Valencia) - 7/1
Victor Fernandez (Zaragoza) - 9/1

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Banega's computer "in urgent need of screen clean..."

http://www.laligaloca.blogspot.com/


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Bang, Bang, Kiss, Kiss for Depor's Dueling Duo

Miguel Angel Lotina's crazy plan of letting Depor's third choice keeper take over for the rest of the season has been abandoned as swiftly as Spain's half arsed attempts at a smoking ban, some years back.

The four goals conceded by Fabricio on Sunday has made the miserable manager rethink Saturday's promise to ban his other two stoppers, Aouate and Manúa, for the rest of the year after the latter punched the former in the face in a tabloid style training ground bust up.

Lotina has said that if the alleged aggressor apologises to the alleged aggressee, then both will have the dubious honour of pulling on the Deportivo shirt, once again - and it's something Manúa says he is hunky dory with.

"I don't have a problem with talking to Dudu," said the fist-flying footballer, perhaps forgetting that the Israeli born Aouate could probably decapitate him with a plastic tea spoon if he wanted.

Manúa has given a different version of the original incident to that of his team-mate, who had reported that the attack came out of the blue, when he was getting changed.

"First we were arguing from afar (very Spanish), then we just went for each other (very non-Spanish)," explained the aggressive goalie.

Zaragoza woke up on Monday morning with a brand new manager after the club president had a long hard thing over Víctor Fernández' replacement - well, the time it takes to pour a cup of tea, any way.

The new, very cheap man at the helm of the club that Marca described as "a good watch that doesn't work', is Ander Garitano - current youth team coach and former player. He is backed by Santi Aragon, a man pictured wearing the worst cardigan seen by La Liga Loca since it last went for a wander around Madrid's Salamanca neighbourhood.

"Garitano has a magnificent relationship with the sporting director" reports AS - pin pointing the real reason why more experienced candidates such as Javier Clemente and Vicente del Bosque were passed on.

"In life there is always a first time," beamed Zaragoza's new shark bait - a man who has discovered the source of his new team's current malaise. "We have to improve in defence," revealed Garitano, as the assembled press pack gasped in reaction to his imperious perspicacity.

Meanwhile, Víctor waved goodbye to La Romareda vowing that he would not be back for a third time as manager, but maybe as a director or president.

"They never told me I was playing for my job," complained Fernández, on the 2-2 draw with Mallorca that was the final firing straw for his bosses. "I'm left with a feeling of dissatisfaction and pain," said Víctor echoing La Liga Loca's sentiments on watching Real Madrid, these days.

Speaking of the greatest, shiniest club in twenty years (using the twenty team league format, etc) Castle Greyskull's medical centre - which La Liga Loca can only assume is staffed by bikini models and the Cruz twins, such is the reluctance of players to ever leave it - continues to be the place to be.

After exhausting himself by chasing Riga all over the pitch, on Sunday, Pepe is set to miss out against Mallorca on Wednesday, as he is feeling a bit peaky. Heinze continues to have a hurty knee. Robben feels a little bit "you know, bleeur" and Metzelder has a rumbly tummy. Of course, all other media outlets will feed you some kind of balony about thigh strains and ankle knocks.

Iker Casillas has started musing on what he plans to do after he retires, which will be at 38 apparently. "I want to be President of Real Madrid," announced the super stopper, immediately causing Ramón Calderón to hit his desk button marked, 'Operation Eliminate'.

But that's not all Iker wants to do. He also wants to be a manager, starting with youth teams. He then revealed that he'd "like to be a referee," before adding train driver and spaceman to his list of career aspirations.

A rapidly running out of ammunition, ranting Roberto Gomez, writing in Marca continues his contractually-obliged support of Florentino Perez by predicting that anti-Ramón Calderón banners would soon be seen at the Bernabeu - what with Real Madrid having just beaten Barcelona in the Camp Nou and looking favourites for the league.

"The supporters are not happy with the style of play," wrote a man who has probably not spoken to an actual breathing supporter in about thirty-five years.

Atletico Madrid are on the brink of ditching Maniche - despite club president's Enrique Cerezo's denials from Thursday. "The club is making no move to loan or sell him," declared the film producing Pinocchio, as Maniche was heading off to Milan to sign a deal.

Meanwhile, more details as to the cause of Maniche's fall out with Javier Aguirre have come into the public domain - making La Liga Loca's legal team very happy, indeed. The big bust up finally came when the Mexican manager doubted Maniche's injury excuse which saw him miss out on a trip to take on Granada 74 in a Copa del Rey game.

"What have you ever won? Who are you to tell me anything?" was the reported response from the middle age spreaded midfielder to his coach's outrageous accusations.

Over in the Kingdom of Catalunya, Leo Messi is in trouble after making an unauthorised trip to Qatar to do some work for 'charidee'. However, considering he could well be fit to play this weekend, any punishment will probably consist of having to spend an hour in the company of Oleguer as he discusses Thomas Paine's 'The Rights of Man'.

Barcelona go into tonight's Copa del Rey match with Sevilla with an on-fire Thierry Henry up front - a player who is "Crack Happy!" according to Mundo Deportivo in a headline that way well grab the attention of the Spanish doping authorities.

Sevilla arrived in the Catalan capital with a fluey and feverish Luis Fabiano in tow and it looks like he will be kicked onto the pitch, no matter how bad he is feeling.

FYI, the column has now moved to 4-4-2 magazine's website. Update your Bookmarks/Favourites:
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From Friends to Failure for Víctor Muñoz

Tuesday 05 February 2008 11:28

He was Monica Bing's former billionaire, Ultimate Fighting boyfriend. He lost most of his limbs in Very Bad Things. And now Víctor Muñoz is ex-manager of Recreativo.

The former Mallorca, Villarreal, Lleida, Zaragoza and Panathinaikos coach was booted out of the Andalusian club, on Monday afternoon, after a 2-1 home defeat to Sevilla left them second from bottom in the table, when they should perhaps have been challenging for a Champions League place, an overambitious board seems to think.

The Champion who is going to steer them out of danger and onto a bright new path – or crack under the pressure after three days like Zaragoza's Ander Garitano – is cheap as chips reserve team coach, Mando Zambrano.

"We think he's the ideal manager," beamed club president, Fransico Mendoza – a gentleman who almost certainly walks around wearing a big coat without his arms in the sleeves.

And a man who sounds a little like a bad guy from Miami Vice: "We've got to take down, Mendoza," spat Crockett as he reholstered his Beretta."

"This is not a hot potato," confirmed the ex-player, Zambrano, who has "Recreativo in his soul," according to a gushing AS, who ignore his complete lack of experience of running a top-flight club. Never mind a Cr@p one.

And talking of gushing AS's, La Liga Loca implores Recreativo to change the red splodgy design on the back of their shorts, as it currently makes the players look like they are suffering from traumatic rectal bleeding.

Murcia, another side in the drop zone, have issued a declaration of support for their coach, Lucas Alcaraz, who has the air of an office supplies manager in a large auditing firm.

"We have full confidence in him and of course we will be carrying on with him," confirmed club president, Jesús Samper, who may or may not have had his fingers crossed behind his back.

Betis' Paco Chaparro has denied following in Sir Alex's footsteps by giving a full blooded fist pump, this time to the referee in the closing seconds of the Deportivo defeat.

"It's one person's word against another," said perky Paco who also denies yelling "you're a disgrace" at the man in the middle.

"There were 40 metres between me and him," explained the Betis boss, in his defence – a defence which includes the claim that he was merely pointing to his watch when the referee looked over.

El Mundo have been covering an investigation currently underway into Betis' dubious finances – and Manuel Ruiz de Lopera's involvement in them.

It is reported that two companies run by Lopera, formerly Tegasa – "a dark firm with Russian origins," said the paper in November – and now Encadesa, receive all the income coming into the club from tv, gate receipts, etc and then hand the cash over to Betis once their own cut has been taken.

"It guarantees Betis have never lost out," explained de Lopera, happily ignoring the 10 million euros lost every year between 2004 and 2006.

La Audiencia Nacional is also looking into why Betis have been forced to pay huge amounts of funds to the same companies - 787,787 euros in 2007 - for 'remodelling work' on the stadium for the past 10 years, work that has yet to be completed.

AS have handed over the first six pages of Tuesday's edition to the various ramblings of Alfredo di Stefano, who was speaking at a footballing forum.

The work experience minion who was forced to transcribe every word from the animatronic marvel reported highlights such as, "We always have haddock on Monday! At 2 o'clock, they bring me haddock!" and "Has my granddaughter called? She's an astronaut, you know!"

The former Argentinean, Italian, Welsh, New Zealand, Russian and Spanish international also confirmed that he has his own teeth and is convinced that Real Madrid would win the league.

New update:

Blowing the League and Blowing Chunks

Tuesday 26 February 2008 12:30

There's nothing the Spanish enjoy more than reversing into traffic without looking and a good old row, so it's often quite hard to get people to agree on anything.

If the moderator of Monday night's election debate - two grown men calling each other liars for an hour and a half - had stuck a picture of a sheep in front of the cantankerous candidates, one of them would have insisted it was a chicken.

But everyone seems to be agreed that Real Madrid are in a bit of a sticky situation having lost four out of their last five matches. Then again, the slightly infantile press in Spain are quite bewildered when any of the big teams fail to win a game of football, in the same way a toddler is when confronted with a breach in the space time continuum.

Days after claiming that the league was in the bag, Marca have shot their bolt by publishing a full-on, ten page, "White House in Crisis" special. And, remarkably, it's ten pages of rehashed naff-all. Not one made up story about Cesc coming to Real. Or how Raul should play for Spain. La Liga Loca wants its euro back.

There is still a lot of Al Pacino style woo-hah over Getafe's brilliantly executed counter-attack goal from Sunday night, with AS grabbing Guti for his recollection of the evening's events. "We made the mistake of celebrating the goal before seeing that it was ok", admitted the midfielder before shuffling off with that peculiar Liam Gallagher strut, he is currently trying out.

And possibly muttering, "for the last time, she was my sister!" under his breath. Possibly.

Forty-five year old Getafe captain, David Belenguer, is certainly the talk of the town having started the move which lead to Uche's somersaulting stunner. "The only ones in their place were Raul and Ruud and alongside me, Heinze and Guti", recalled the centre back".

"When I looked up, I saw the goal was cancelled and that we had three players up front. So I took (the free-kick)".

Marca report that one of their tremendously scientific and very useful polls advises that 75% of 'internautas' - a great word - reckon that the title will be residing in Barcelona, at the end of the season.

Over in Barcelona and Sport, unsurprisingly, are very excited indeed about Barça's revival, with a party hat-wearing Lluís Mascaró whipping Javier Aguirre's "there are fourteen finals left" record by declaring that "there are 22 finals left and Barcelona are in prime condition for taking on the league, the Copa del Rey and the Champions League".

Rumours were rumbling in Spain on Monday that Juan Bautista Soler, was set to step down as president of Valencia, having grown bored of his plaything and wanting to blast it into space, Emperor Ming style.

An emergency board meeting was held on Monday night - another excuse for a free dinner - and it ended with Soler still in charge of the Mestalla mess.

"Juan, are you going to resign in the end, or not?", asked one minion, according to AS, before being been vapourised by Soler's pin-sat death ray.

And finally, a story to bring a smile to the face of all Betico's. Evil overlord Darth Manuel Ruiz de Lopera was on the fast train to Madrid, on Monday morning, along with the Betis board and some of the players. The reason for their big day out was to meet the King of Spain and celebrate Betis' centenary.

And the trip was all going very well until de Lopera starting barfing his guts out both on the train and before getting into a taxi. The Betis big-wig was forced to retire to his Madrid maisonette whilst everyone else got to drink tea with the pretending-to- give a flying one royal family.

However, Rafael Sobis reported that both he and David Odonkor had a spot of bother getting into the event with a baffled security guard struggling to comprehend that a Brazilian could be white and German could be black.



Meanwhile, chucking up into a bucket was de Lopera, looking quite green.