La Liga Loca - Quotes of the Summer

“Espanyol is like my wife” - Always promising to go down, but never going through with it, perhaps. Espanyol manager Pochettino, musing over comparisons between his club and his misses.

“I raised my hands to surrender but Carleto still shot me twice” - Valencia’s Rubén Baraja speaking after a summertime paintballing session. That famous Mestalla team spirit is still alive and kicking, it seems.

“I will take the team to the Europa League, the Champions League and we will go once again to Madrid... that’s what Manuel Ruíz de Lopera will work for” - at least one of the Betis overlord’s potty pledges have come through. Second division Rayo Vallecano play in the capital city.

“We decided that the best thing for everyone would be to sell me... but my wish was to stay in Mílan” - Kaká shortly before being booted under the table by Florentino Pérez and handed the ‘my childhood dream was always to play for Real Madrid script.’

“God put this money in the hands of Real Madrid so they could sign Kaká” - A deserving middle-finger to all those Barça fans whining about Spanish banks lending a quarter of billion euros to Real Madrid in the middle of a recession. Mrs Kaká, Caroline Celico, says it is all part of His plan to reward her for keeping her cherry intact before marrying her hubby.

“The most scandalous signing in the history of football” - Professional bedwetter, Barcelona cheerleader and U-turner, Josep María Casanovas from ‘Sport’ on Cristiano Ronaldo’s decision to sign for Real Madrid. And more importantly, not Barcelona.

“The signing of the century!” - a slightly different perspective from Marca with their happy headline on the same affair.

“Cristiano Ronaldo is not only number one with the ball but also for keeping his word” - Marca’s thankfully sidelined writer Roberto Gómez ignorning the whole ‘playing for Manchester United is a dream’ business from Real Madrid’s new kitten-rescuing, gentleman superstar.

“It’s unthinkable that one of my directors would say this” - Basque brotherhood in glorious action as Osasuna presient Patxi Izco feigns outrage over Athletic Bilbao VP Joseba Inchaurrage, noting that Osasuna’s relegation would have helped his club out no end on the transfer front in the close season.

“I’ve tried to ring him a couple of times but he’s not taking my calls” - Joan Laporta on Catalan television during the Samuel Eto’o transfer saga. And either demonstrating refreshing honesty or that he’s a total half-wit who has no control over his players.

“I’ve got to get back to Spain tomorrow for training” - Atlético full-back Mariano Pernía’s first words after coming out of a 72-hour coma caused by a car accident. Even with a broken collar bone, concussion and smashed ribs, he would still be better than Pablo.

“We were pre-destined to find each other” - Burger King Spanish suit, Elias Diaz Sesé, getting just a little too excited over his company’s new sponsorship deal with Getafe.

“Why not play Raúl at left-back?” - A ludicrous letter appearing in Marca over the summer written by one of the paper’s readers. Or possibly by Raúl.

“We will never spend 60 million euros on one player” - Barcelona director, Xavier Sala-i-Martin speaking far, far, far, far, far too soon.

“My aim is to score between 30 and 40 goals” - Plucky Real Valladolid recruit Manucho on his striking target for the new season. A fine aim if it weren’t for the fact that by all accounts he is a bit rubbish. (This one goes out to Glen!!! )

“It’s an invention by a club who went down this year and who want to screw us over” - Joaquín Morales, the main shareholder for new boys Xerez, on a legal complaint from SD Compostela that there was financial dodginess at the club back in 2002.

“I was told that I should leave Valencia for the good of the club. But then, soon after, everything changed” - David Villa reveals the shock news of confusion and chaos in Mestalla.

“Don’t know” - A simple answer from Pep Guardiola during the club’s US tour on how he can improve the side this year.

“We are alone in the universe” - Yes. Yes, you are. Atlético president Enrique Cerezo on his club’s unique status.