http://football365.com/story/0,17033,8751_3987806,00.html
Ones in bold are the best IMO.
Paul Scholes to learn to tackle. Hell, he's only a 30-something professional footballer, so it's not too late.
Richard Scudamore to fail his own 'fit and proper person' test.
Louis Saha's latest sicknote to specifically cite the prospect of playing alongside El-Hadji Diouf as a contributing factor in his ailment.
Luis Felipe Scolari to drop Ashley Cole and explain to questioning reporters: "Well, he's a c***, isn't he?"
Roman Abramovich to finally speak in public...but only to agree with Scolari about Cole.
Martin O'Neill and his lawyers to stop reading Football365.
Bernard Mendy to admit he only joined Hull because he'd heard, "zat all the women do the jiggy-jig wiz you for a blue WKD."
Roy Hodgson to declare his intention to sign Wobert Wosawio.
Kevin Keegan to insist that - following the arrival of Fabricio Coloccini - all his players adopt the bubble perm of Keggy's youth.
Cristiano Ronaldo to report back to Manchester United with the word 'Slave' permanently tattooed on his face, Prince style.
Sir Alex Ferguson to donate his collection of wine to Football365 as a Christmas treat.
Stoke to go one step further than Rory Delap and simply employ a gibbon to throw balls into the box at the heads of the players in red and white.
A Premier League footballer to have sex with only one woman at any one time. Without any of his friends in attendance with mobile phones.
An end to the 'Joe Cole's done very well not to go down there...' trend of congratulating players for not cheating.
David Moyes to get so short of numbers that he ropes in celebrity Toffees John Parrott and Claire Sweeney. Andy van der Meyde, of course, remains on the bench.
The Independent's Jason Burt to stop reporting that Oba Martins is on the verge of joining Arsenal.
Harry Redknapp to admit that, actually, as the manager of a top-eight side he is in an enviable position personnel-wise and he has a more-than-adequate selection of players available, thanks.
A Liverpool player other than either Jamie Carragher or Steven Gerrard to be interviewed immediately after a game.
Fabio Capello to hold an Ultimate Fighting Championship-style cage fight to decide his England captain.
Felipe Scolari to admit that he's only keeping SWP on Chelsea's books because he can get into all those tight places that are difficult to clean.
Paul Ince to instruct his Blackburn players to do star jumps/squat thrusts army-style if they make a mistake. During a game.
The prices of tickets for Premier League matches to fall at the same rate as the housing market.
Sam Allardyce to finally find time to respond to the allegations against him in the BBC's Panorama programme.
Liverpool fans to have a sense of perspective to match their reputed sense of humour.
Garth Crooks to utter a short sentence that ends in a question mark.
Wayne Rooney to light up a cigarette in a dull moment during an 8-0 humiliation of Stoke.
Robbie Keane to revive the glorified roly-poly. We kind of miss it.
Neither Stoke, Hull nor West Brom to be described as 'plucky' just because they manage to hold a member of the Big Four to a 1-0 defeat with the imaginative arrangement of ten defenders.
Michael Owen, Ledley King and Robin van Persie to donate their legs to medical research. After all, they don't use them.
Alan Shearer to say something insightful, thought-provoking, unique, controversial, original or memorable.
An electric shock to be automatically administered to the private parts of any pundit who says the words, "he'll be disappointed with that."
Brian Barwick to appear in the box at Wembley glugging from a jug of goose fat.
The next winners of the Championship to refuse a place in the Premier League on the grounds that it's just too embarrassing.
A quality player at a non-big four club to say, "Actually, I'd like to stay here and help us try to achieve something long-term."
Gary Lineker to be replaced as MOTD presenter by his buxom lover Danielle Lux.
A day to go by without Football365 receiving a single phone call from Julian/Justin/Jo in PR who've, "got a quirky football story that might be just up your street."
Mike Ashley to prove he's a proper Newcastle fan by watching a match bare-chested. In January.
Gary Megson to admit that he only meant to bid £1m for Johan Elmander but there was a smudge on the fax paper that looked like a zero. Being English, he thought it rude to renege on his offer.
Wayne Bridge to turn down his next England call-up on the grounds that when he made the decision to sign a new Chelsea contract, he retired from competitive football.
Antony Kastrinakis to give himself another promotion to become Bestest World Football Correspondent Of The Sun.
Ronaldo to wear those little silver hotpants we saw him sporting this summer during a cold Tuesday night game in Hull.
Tottenham Hotspur to successfully defend a set piece.
Rangers and Celtic to publicly admit, "Of course we're never going to join the English league. We win titles with players like Lee Naylor up here."
Harry Redknapp to answer the phone to a journo and respond to his question by saying, "I'm not discussing a player under contract with another club. Certainly not over and over again. Every day."
Wayne Rooney to score a few goals for England. No, not run around and put loads of effort in. Score goals.
Steve McClaren to get leave FC Twente, move to another country and pick up yet another hilarious accent.
Arsenal's medical department to get a player back to fitness in less than three months.
Roy Keane to make a Sunderland player play in his pants because he forgot his kit.
Joey Barton to pick on the wrong man. Specifically a very big man.
His agent Willie McKay to be out on the town with him that night.
Any more you wish to see?