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Quotes of the Year Part I
| By Chris Charles |
 Spray it again, Kev |
"It was a great result and it might stop people saying Newcastle have not won under Kevin Keegan."
Keegan after Newcastle beat Fulham to secure their first win since his return. Might, Kevin?
"Hate is a very strong word - I just despise her to the maximum level just below hate."
Former player and senior ATP official Justin Gimelstob turns on the
charm while talking about Anna Kournikova in a radio interview.
"My diet was sausages - then, in no particular order, sausages,
chips, sausages, toast, sausages, beans, sausages, cheese, sausages,
eggs, and the occasional sausage."
So why is Marcus Trescothick nicknamed 'Banger'?
"If the Ferrari president is right about the Singapore Grand
Prix being a circus, then we have to be grateful to him for providing
the clowns."
Bernie Ecclestone after the Ferrari pit crew allowed Felipe Massa to exit the pit box with the fuel hose still attached.
"They are conceding more goals than you would expect them to and they are letting them in at the other end."
Former Tottenham keeper Ray Clemence on the double trouble
afflicting his old club. Apparently they were having a few scored
against them as well.
"Dirk Kuyt is earning himself the reputation as Anfield's Prince
Harry - in the frontline for three months and no-one knows anything
about it."
Sun journalist Phil Thomas on Liverpool's non-flying Dutchman.
"We were down at a corner in front of The Kop when they were
singing 'You'll Never Walk Alone'. I was standing next to Gerrard and
singing along with them. He looked at me like I was a weirdo!"
Havant & Waterlooville's Jamie Collins freaked out Stevie G during the FA Cup tie at Anfield.
 A match made in heaven |
"Charles dreamt I had an affair with Steve Coppell. I said to him, 'Thanks a lot! You might have made it Mourinho!'"
Cooking goddess Nigella Lawson reveals who hubby Charles Saatchi thinks is the man of her dreams.
"Boxing is not brutal, it's an art - God has gifted me with
incredible handspeed as a tool to be used - what else am I supposed to
do but fight? There ain't no hand-racing competitions."
Roy Jones Jr on BBC Radio 5 Live when questioned about the conflicting nature of boxing and religion.
"KP trots around at point, looking wistfully for a patch of limelight to stand in."
Tom Fordyce during the live text commentary of New Zealand v England on the BBC website.
"I was in the laundry and I realised I was standing right next
to Rafael Nadal. I didn't bother him but he was shoving all his colours
and whites in together. I really wanted to say, 'Dude, you're going to
have a nightmare with that'. But what can you do?"
British cyclist Jamie Staff, who won gold in the team sprint,
revealed Nadal might have to buy new whites for Wimbledon next year.
"London is the sporting capital of the world. I say to the Chinese and I say to the world, ping pong is coming home."
Mayor Boris Johnson as London officially took over as Olympic host.
"Big shout from Anderson and Ambrose, but umpire Bucknor looks
at the bowler as if he's just caught him stealing his pants off the
washing line."
Ben Dirs' website text commentary during the third Test between England and New Zealand.
MANAGERS' SPECIALS
 Right, now where's those Speedos? |
"I don't want to comment on who or what will take over my job at Newcastle."
Sam Allardyce after getting sacked.
"I am sure we will see pictures of Sam in his Speedos walking along a beach somewhere. That won't be a pretty sight."
Wigan manager Steve Bruce was keen for Allardyce to get another job asap.
"The only decisions I'm making at the moment are whether I have tea, coffee, toast or cornflakes in the morning."
But Big Sam had other things on his plate.
"It was the 95th minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time."
Sir Alex Ferguson was not bitter about Arsenal's late-late equaliser against Aston Villa.
Leicester fan: "It's pantomime season out there!" Leicester manager Nigel Pearson: "Oh no it isn't!"
During the Leicester-Southend match.
"The only way we will get into Europe is by ferry!"
Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan realised it wouldn't be plain sailing when he took over.
"We asked the fourth official to tell the referee to stop the game and take away the balloons - or kill them."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson showed his sinister side as
a bunch of balloons scuppered his FA Cup dreams at Bramall Lane.
"I've got more points on my licence!"
Derby manager Paul Jewell on his side's meagre points total.
"You could literally throw a handkerchief over the 22 outfield players."
John Gregory was watching a game between matchstick men, presumably.
 He swears it well |
"*!@!!*$!@!!"
Joe Kinnear reacquainted himself with Her Majesty's press, rattling off a world-record 52 swear words in five minutes.
"I've always believed at this time of the season you get to see
people like oranges - you squeeze them and some of them tend to
capitulate."
Former Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd - clearly bananas.
"For John Terry, to die on the pitch would be glory. You would need to kill him - and maybe even then he'd still play!"
Big Phil revealed a little thing like dying wouldn't get in the way of JT playing for Chelsea.
"It was a large oversight on his behalf and the players think he
should have been fined double! I used to do it myself - not lap
dancing, there weren't such things in my day!"
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on striker John Carew's rather
indiscreet visit to a "special" dancing club ahead of their Uefa Cup
game with Ajax.
"We're actually thinking that Snow White can lead them out. And I'm being serious."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan was worried his side would be dwarfed by Manchester United in the Champions League.
"Their goals were just comedy. You'd probably win £250 on Candid Camera for that second one."
Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock on his side's generous defending in the defeat by Nottingham Forest.
"I'm very excited about this team because, and I don't know if the word exists, they are 'playerish',"
Arsenal's game against Man Utd was so good, Arsene Wenger made up a new word.
"On a great day in American electoral history, I would like to
remind him of Abraham Lincoln's great quotation - 'You can fool some of
the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time. But
you cannot fool all of the people all of the time'."
Stoke boss Tony Pulis celebrated Barack Obama's election by giving
Wenger a presidential dressing down after accusations that his side
were thugs.
 |
"I'm going to a country where I'm adored!"
New Argentina boss Diego Maradona looked forward to his first game in charge - in Scotland.
"Who is Terry Butcher?"
Maradona gave the perfect riposte when asked about the 'feud' with the Scotland number two.
"They've kicked our backsides, we've got to lick our wounds..."
Steve Bruce conjured up a pleasant image following Wigan's 3-0 defeat to Arsenal.
You can't beat Sinatra. I was actually supposed to have dinner
with him one night, but we lost to Charlton so I cancelled it and went
home!"
Sir Alex Ferguson recalled the day he stood up Ol' Blue Eyes.
"I'd go home and kick the cat if I could - but I haven't got one."
Doncaster boss Sean O'Driscoll was feeling a little ginger after the 2-0 home defeat by Southampton.
 Schtop! Shomeone's shtolen my umbrella! |
"It will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience that doesn't come along that often."
Steve McClaren got a bit over-excited after FC Twente drew Arsenal in the Champions League.
"We went for a walk before the game and a bird dumped right on my head. They say that can be a lucky omen - and it was!"
Barnsley manager Simon Davey after his side dumped Liverpool out of the FA Cup.
"I don't like going to bed at night with only one left-back."
Peter Taylor seemed to be getting a little too close to his new players at Wycombe.
"We know it is going to be very difficult because Mark McGhee
and Scott Leitch are winners. They showed that last year by finishing
third."
Aberdeen boss Jimmy Calderwood on Motherwell's coaching staff.
RESPECTING REFEREES
"The referee was punching the air when they scored."
Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock had an uncharacteristic pop at
referee Richard Beeby, accusing him of playing on until Bristol City
equalised.
"It was like a UFO had landed."
Watford boss Aidy Boothroyd experienced a close encounter of the
absurd kind when Stuart Attwell awarded a goal to Reading after the
ball had rolled the other side of the post.
"As for the fourth official, he is a doughnut."
Gary Megson after the official's performance during Bolton v Sporting.
 Season's greetings, Joe! |
"We've got a Mickey Mouse ref doing nothing."
Joe Kinnear crosses Martin Atkinson off his Christmas card list following Newcastle's defeat at Fulham.
"We will put in a report. I don't talk to referees. It's like
complaining to your mother-in-law about your wife - it doesn't get you
too far."
Mum was the word for Ulster coach Matt Williams after the Heineken Cup defeat by Harlequins.
"If the referee stands by that decision, I have two wooden legs.
I will be seeing this ref again in my dreams - and I won't be kissing
him!"
Former Leicester boss Ian Holloway after skipper Patrick Kisnorbo was sent off against Sheffield United.
"You know me - I always listen to referees."
Roy Keane upon receiving an FA improper conduct charge.
