2011/12 UEFA Champions League - Semifinals 1st & 2nd Leg

Whingeing about Chelsea per se isn't really the issue, but it loses impact if the "anti-football" accusations are being used as an excuse to wax on about the virtues of football when in reality the reasons for disliking Chelsea are far more basic.

Seven of our first 11 are one yellow away from missing the final (if we make it, obviously). Mostly due to an inept Spanish referee in the quarterfinal against Marseille. Time to change this rule, UEFA. And maybe think a little bit about the referees you assign to matches.

Tonight is a toughie.

6 Reasons to support Madrid:

1) I may just be one of the very few people left in the World who quite like Jose Mourinho. Perhaps because he was so gracious about Spurs when we played Madrid, knowing full well we would get battered and weren't a threat. Alas, all he needs to do it bat his eyelashes in our direction and I'm so easily seduced

2) it's been a long time since Madrid won the CL, at least 10 years. In Madrid time, that is about as long as it's been since Spurs won a major trophy (1991). Thus, we're almost the same club, if you ignore the additional 300 major honours they've won and we haven't.

3) They play in white. We play in white.

4) They have a winger who enjoys a dive. We have a winger who enjoys a dive

5) They're a club from the capital. We're a club from the capital

6) Ronaldo is a massive c**t. Adebayor is a massive c**t

6 Reasons to support Bayern Munich

1) They're German. Which is usually a nice, uncomplicated reason not to support them, but Bundesliga teams in the final of the CL are becoming rarer than a funny Ricky Gervais TV series. For the sake of football, we need more pantomime German villains in the finals of major tournaments again, or we may never be privileged to see another blonde mullet being spat in ever again

2) Footballing wise, they are a perfect blend of power, pace, technique, efficiency and finishing. Forget Barcelona, this has been the team to watch in the CL this year, they get it done, no over complicating for the sake of it.

3) Kroos (the poster) supports them. And Kroos deserves an induction into the EMB hall of fame for the "If it wasn't for Germany, Spain would be bankrupt" comeback the other week. a TRUE Hashtag legend, unlike Wojciech Szeszny

4) Worms (the poster) doesn't support them.

5) They're from Munich. The final is in Munich. Unlike Euro 1996 when the Germans came barging into their host's home and truly spoiled the party (like the evil c**ts they were), I wouldn't wish the same upon the good people of Bavaria. Winning in their own back garden would be heartwarming to witness

6) Considering what he needs to deal with every time he looks in the mirror, Franck Ribery could do with something to smile about

Loving your Madrid reasons nos. 3-6 Bernd

I can often be a big fan of defensive calcio, the Italian semi-final against Holland in 2000 being only one example, or the strangulation of United in the two 1-0 victories on the way to the 2005 CL final by Milan.

Chelsea is a bit different though no, they are a bunch of cnutbags and play like turd despite the fact that they are the very emblem of moneybags club football that has choked the life out of so many others.

Auf geht's, Bestia Negra!!

Disco Benny wrote:Tonight is a toughie.

6 Reasons to support Madrid:

1) I may just be one of the very few people left in the World who quite like Jose Mourinho. Perhaps because he was so gracious about Spurs when we played Madrid, knowing full well we would get battered and weren't a threat. Alas, all he needs to do it bat his eyelashes in our direction and I'm so easily seduced

2) it's been a long time since Madrid won the CL, at least 10 years. In Madrid time, that is about as long as it's been since Spurs won a major trophy (1991). Thus, we're almost the same club, if you ignore the additional 300 major honours they've won and we haven't.

3) They play in white. We play in white.

4) They have a winger who enjoys a dive. We have a winger who enjoys a dive

5) They're a club from the capital. We're a club from the capital

6) Ronaldo is a massive c**t. Adebayor is a massive c**t

Plus you forgot we both wear white shirts! It's a whiteblood alliance!

Jaime <3s Ramires+Torres wrote:

Disco Benny wrote:Tonight is a toughie.

6 Reasons to support Madrid:

1) I may just be one of the very few people left in the World who quite like Jose Mourinho. Perhaps because he was so gracious about Spurs when we played Madrid, knowing full well we would get battered and weren't a threat. Alas, all he needs to do it bat his eyelashes in our direction and I'm so easily seduced

2) it's been a long time since Madrid won the CL, at least 10 years. In Madrid time, that is about as long as it's been since Spurs won a major trophy (1991). Thus, we're almost the same club, if you ignore the additional 300 major honours they've won and we haven't.

3) They play in white. We play in white.

4) They have a winger who enjoys a dive. We have a winger who enjoys a dive

5) They're a club from the capital. We're a club from the capital

6) Ronaldo is a massive c**t. Adebayor is a massive c**t

Plus you forgot we both wear white shirts! It's a whiteblood alliance!

Thought I had that covered in (3), but fuck it, you're right. I can't let down my fellow whitebloods

But then again, poor Ribery. Lose this game and it's back to the bell tower in Notre Dame

Disco Benny wrote:3) Kroos (the poster) supports them. And Kroos deserves an induction into the EMB hall of fame for the "If it wasn't for Germany, Spain would be bankrupt" comeback the other week. a TRUE Hashtag legend, unlike Wojciech Szeszny

This was legendary. In honour of Kroos and tonight's match, I offer this little essay:

How to piss off a German

BEFORE YOU READ ON, know that I am genuinely fond of Germans and Germany. For the last three years I have lived in Berlin. I have German friends and deal with German people on a daily basis. My experiences here have been overwhelmingly positive, but you don’t live in a place this long without learning a few things. Here, then, are some surefire ways to upset a German person, should you need to….



1. Cross at a red light (with small children)

The simplest and best way to provoke some classic Teutonic anger is to meander across the road when the light is showing red. You’ll be risking a fine for jaywalking and you may even be mowed down by a speeding vehicle, but it’s worth it to witness the expressions awaiting you on the other side of the road. Elderly, hunched women, beefy tattooed workmen in overalls, sensible parents authoritatively clutching their young children – all united in their righteous mix of incomprehension, disgust and outrage. For maximum impact, skip across the street with a couple of small children, whistling cheerfully as you go.

2. Stare back at them using binoculars

If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time. In places like the UK and the USA, staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time can get you yelled at, punched or even killed. In Germany, staring openly is something that just happens – like breathing, walking or developing a long and unnecessarily complex vocabulary (see below). People here don’t just stare at you, they stare through you, mostly through genuine curiosity but sometimes critically (it’s no coincidence that the most intense surveillance apparatus in European history, the Stasi, occurred in East Germany). Staring back only creates a stand-off which no one can win, so the best counter-attack is to use the element of surprise: whip out a pair of small binoculars and return eye contact at close range. Failing that, ask loudly (through a megaphone if you can find one) if they’d care to take a photograph.

3. Use fancy English words they don’t understand

Most Germans (of a certain age) speak very good English, which makes them slightly smug, especially when only three non-natives in the history of the world have ever been able to master German. This is mainly because many German words, as Mark Twain once noted, are “so long that they have a perspective.” One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means “No”. The longest word in English, Antidisestablishmentarianism, is pathetic in comparison, so a long-word battle isn’t going to work. Instead, take advantage of English’s arcane vocabulary, sprinkling long-forgotten words like “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” throughout the conversation as if they were commonplace. This method is guaranteed to replace the smugness on your companion’s face with something way more anxious.

4. Urinate standing up

This one is for men (obviously) and is based on a subtle cultural anomaly in Germany where men tend to pee sitting down. There’s even a name for men who do this: sitzpinklers; those who insist on standing — and therefore spraying, maintain the (mostly female) critics — are called stehpinklers. This is not a massively advertised national trait and applies mostly to domestic situations; even the most house-trained German men don’t wee sitting down in clubs or public toilets. But it’s a very real phenomenon and you may well find pro-sitzpinkler stickers adorning lavatories. So in order to be ultra-annoying, you need only (literally) stand up for your male rights.

5. Say you don’t like asparagus, especially if it’s white

Germans are – there’s no other way to put this – absolutely, uncontrollably cuckoo-crazy about asparagus (spargel). It’s been dubbed the ‘vegetable of kings’ and ‘edible ivory’. What’s more, it’s not the usual green variety they obsess over, but white asparagus, which the rest of the world generally regards with suspicion. More of the stuff is eaten in Germany than anywhere else in the world except Switzerland. From the end of April to the end of June they literally eat nothing else, day and night, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Normally sensible restaurants transform their menus into a list of asparagus recipes, wooden huts pop up at roadsides, and public toilets absolutely reek of the stuff. While Germans are generally not known to spend large amounts of money on food, they’d sell their own grandmothers to land them some-o’-that ‘White Gold’. So if you are ever invited for dinner during asparagus season, advising them you are not a fan of the stuff, “especially the tasteless white version,” will guarantee you instant enmity, if not a good kicking and deportation.

6. Recycle erroneously

Germans were busy recycling things back when most of us were still learning how to use our opposable thumbs. Hence their recycling infrastructure, refined over various millennia, has very strict rules involving colored bins for different forms of rubbish (plastic, tin, food etc.) and a veritable army of binmen rumbling about the place. As well as the recycling systems that are inherently part of each household, you’ll also find large green, white and brown containers on the street, which are used for correspondingly colored glass bottles. To irk a decent segment of any local neighbourhood or town, simply rock up to these containers with a trolley full of bottles and start placing them in the wrong units. Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of mass outrage, as old men with sticks and pony-tailed schoolgirls alike sprint from their houses and hang from their windows to shake their fists at your stupidity and ignorance.

7. Break the news that no one outside Germany has seen Dinner For One

Asking a German person if they know Dinner For One is a guaranteed way to make their eyes light up. The film is about a bonkers aristocrat (Miss Sophie) who celebrates her 90th birthday with friends who, given they’ve all died off, are imaginary. Her butler, James, comically fills in for each of them, mimicking their voices, drinking their toasts in turn and getting steadily more sloshed. It’s been shown every New Year’s Eve in Germany since the early 70s and is nothing short of a national institution. When your acquaintance, hours later, is done enthusing and quoting, quietly point out to them that, despite holding a Guinness Record for the most aired TV program in history, Dinner For One has never, ever been screened in Britain or the States, and only a few times in Australia.

8. Set your alarm and grab the sun loungers first

Yep – you can even annoy Germans outside their own country. Vacationing Deutsch folk are notorious worldwide for their lounger-bagging. So much so, that in 2009, Thomas Cook set up a booking service to help Germans bag their loungers before they’d even boarded the plane. For maximum vexation, set an alarm to get up in the middle of the night and cover all available sun loungers with towels. (Extra points if the towels are imprinted with a Union Jack).

http://matadornetwork.com/abroad/how-to-piss-off-a-german/

Is it true???????

Disco Benny wrote:

Jaime <3s Ramires+Torres wrote:

Disco Benny wrote:Tonight is a toughie.

6 Reasons to support Madrid:

1) I may just be one of the very few people left in the World who quite like Jose Mourinho. Perhaps because he was so gracious about Spurs when we played Madrid, knowing full well we would get battered and weren't a threat. Alas, all he needs to do it bat his eyelashes in our direction and I'm so easily seduced

2) it's been a long time since Madrid won the CL, at least 10 years. In Madrid time, that is about as long as it's been since Spurs won a major trophy (1991). Thus, we're almost the same club, if you ignore the additional 300 major honours they've won and we haven't.

3) They play in white. We play in white.

4) They have a winger who enjoys a dive. We have a winger who enjoys a dive

5) They're a club from the capital. We're a club from the capital

6) Ronaldo is a massive c**t. Adebayor is a massive c**t

Plus you forgot we both wear white shirts! It's a whiteblood alliance!

Thought I had that covered in (3), but fuck it, you're right. I can't let down my fellow whitebloods

But then again, poor Ribery. Lose this game and it's back to the bell tower in Notre Dame

I tell you since the arrival of Jaime Jr I have been losing it in the brain.

There is a lot of truth in that, Jaime. Stupid crap like #1 is why I don't miss the fatherland very much and get pissed off at Germans Germanness every time I do go back.

Players who could possibly miss the final:

Gonzalo Higuain, Xabi Alonso, Sergio Ramos and Fabio Coentrao.

Philipp Lahm, Holger Badstuber, David Alaba, Jerome Boateng, Toni Kroos, Luis Gustavo and Thomas Muller.

CONFIRMED:

Casillas; Arbeloa, Ramos, Pepe, Marcelo; Khedira, Alonso; Di María, Özil, Cristiano y Benzema

CONFIRMED:

Neuer; Lahm, Boetaneg, Badstuber, Alaba; Schweinsteiger, Luis Gustavo; Robben, Kroos, Ribéry; Mario Gómez.

No surprises for Bayern, I suppose, but Marcelo in for Coentrao is a bit of a surprise. At least from the start. But we do need to score and maybe Jose wants to protect Coentrao from another yellow.

We'll be fucked if Ramos or Alonso get booked today.

Fade out wrote:Well let's hope Barca place that petition to FIFA that possession, chances created should determine results and not goals.

Meanwhile Chelsea are petitioning that football matches should be played in just one half.

Jaime Jr my awareness is generally dreadful and I don't even have fatherhood yet as an excuse. Great article by the way. The staring one is certainly true in central Europe.

Effenberg, you live in the states right.

Come on Madrid, give me a reason to watch the final.

Yup. And I'll be in class and giving a presentation (PhD program) during the match today. Not well planned that.

Effenberg wrote:Yup. And I'll be in class and giving a presentation (PhD program) during the match today. Not well planned that.

Good luck

Less than 45m to go for the utter destruction of Bayern Munich and the ticket to the Final for Real Madrid.

La Décima is within reach, the Madridismo can touch it already.

Real Madrid 4-0 Bayern Munich

You heard it here first. CA$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$HHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am going for Real, but I wouldn't mind if Bayern did it.

I hope Mourinho does the double.

@Effenberg

Good luck!

What are you pursuing academically?

My colours are firmly nailed to the Bayern Munchen bratwurst.

Effenberg wrote:Yup. And I'll be in class and giving a presentation (PhD program) during the match today. Not well planned that.

Bad luck mate, hopefully you won't be missing anything (that you would want to see)!

@Jaime

1 is true and can be annoying as fuck. 2 is true also, especially on a tram or underground. Germans don't talk, they stare. 3 is meh, probably true 4. will get you standing ovations by otto, 5. is true, if a bit exaggerated obviously, 6. is another annoying truth, 7. "Dinner for one" is great, so everyone else's loss 8. old stereotype that's probably not even true anymore.

So all in all, a pretty good truth / bullshit ratio.

PuroReturns wrote:Less than 45m to go for the utter destruction of Bayern Munich and the ticket to the Final for Real Madrid.

La Décima is within reach, the Madridismo can touch it already.

Real Madrid 4-0 Bayern Munich

You heard it here first. CA$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$HHHHHHHHHHHHH

Will this be as big a destruction as the one Barca handed out in the second half yesterday?

White asparagus, what is this monstrosity!?

blutgraetsche wrote:@Jaime

1 is true and can be annoying as fuck. 2 is true also, especially on a tram or underground. Germans don't talk, they stare. 3 is meh, probably true 4. will get you standing ovations by otto, 5. is true, if a bit exaggerated obviously, 6. is another annoying truth, 7. "Dinner for one" is great, so everyone else's loss 8. old stereotype that's probably not even true anymore.

So all in all, a pretty good truth / bullshit ratio.

It did make me laugh. 2 and 4 I've never noticed, but I am pretty unobservant when I'm out and about. 8 may well be true but there is absolutely no chance I'd get up that early on holiday. I could certainly identify with the others though from time spent in Germany or with German friends.

Sheffield gunner wrote:
Will this be as big a destruction as the one Barca handed out in the second half yesterday?

Messi scores his PK and the 7-1 was on, emotionally and physically tired Barça or not. TFS!

blutgraetsche wrote:@Jaime

1 is true and can be annoying as fuck. 2 is true also, especially on a tram or underground. Germans don't talk, they stare. 3 is meh, probably true 4. will get you standing ovations by otto, 5. is true, if a bit exaggerated obviously, 6. is another annoying truth, 7. "Dinner for one" is great, so everyone else's loss 8. old stereotype that's probably not even true anymore.

So all in all, a pretty good truth / bullshit ratio.

Did you see the ARD Merkozy spoof of Dinner for One last Christmas?

TM wrote:

Effenberg wrote:Yup. And I'll be in class and giving a presentation (PhD program) during the match today. Not well planned that.

Good luck

Seconded. Teach those yanks how to read..and stop eating. Its not a race

Thanks, guys. Applied Linguistics is what I do. One reason why Kroos (the poster) drives me crazy sometimes. Enjoy the match, everybody. May the less cuntish side win.