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Once, a long time ago, when we had no internet or CD players, and most of the posters on the Euroboard were unfertilised eggs, Sparta Rotterdam actually occasionally won a match, despite -or maybe better because of (bit more on that later)- 2 frustrated ugly blokes in their team.
Bloke 1 was Louis van Gaal. His mum, was an ugly hooker, who could only make money doing shows with a Giraf in the Casa Rosa in Amsterdam's Red Light District. Unfortunately she realised too late she got pregnant doing the act. A little later long necked Louis was born. The Dutch RSPCA could just prevent a postnatal abortion. Lil' Louis got a lot of stick at school for his appearance & everytime he countered with a wise-ass remark he got punched on the nose. At Ajax they allowed him to play for the youth teams in order to lower the nose-size average & to take the mickey out of him.
After 15 years & about every single person at Ajax telling him he was shite, Louis realised he had no chance to play for any senior team, so he decided to go to Belgium to FC Antwerp. Even at FC Antwerp he only played half the matches, mainly because they thought he came from Ajax he must be good - a mistake made more often. He decided to move back to Holland to an even smaller club Telstar, something like Barnet. At Telstar something weird happened, the team started improving. Louis didn't play that well, but was a great victim for practical jokes and even more important: next to Louis everybody was handsome. The improved feelgood factor & Louis looks distracting the opposition, made their squad play a little better.
This earned Louis a transfer to Sparta, where he had a similar effect. Sparta even sold more season tickets, because people wanted to see that mutant. This might well be the reason 2 seasons later Sparta signed another mutant....
Bloke 2 was Dick Advocaat. When baby Dicky was born, he already had a receding hairline & his head was shaped like an elephant sat on it for a while. His hometown-club ADO Den Haag felt sorry for the boy with the rather high forehead and let him play for their youth teams. Needless to say, like with Louis, his teamates took the piss out of him. When he was old enough for a transfer, Den Haag paid Roda JC an undiclosed fee in order to get rid off bald Dick. Roda had to keep him for 6 years & thereafter sneakily tricked their local rivals VVV Venlo into signing him during Carnaval, disguising Dick with a sumptuous wig. 2 seasons later ADO lost the plot, they merged with another local club & became FC Den Haag. To top it all they signed bald Dick, who was the disguised by the same wig.
During the postmatch showering, the wig fell & FC Den Haag realised they'd been conned. Luckily for them Sparta needed another mutant & signed Dick for 2 Dutch Guilders and 35 cents (with inflation taken into account, about 4 modern day euros).
Unfortunately for Sparta 2 mutants in the same team proved too much & the club never recovered. Meanwhile both Louis & Dick had inferiority complexes bigger than the Grand Canyon. Their shrink advised them to take up mangement & Dicky to get hair implants.
Both fluked a few results, like Louis' beginners' luck CL win, but in Holland they'll be remembered for the following incidents:
Louis Van Gaal achieved the impossible by not quailfying for the 2002 WC with the best Dutch squad ever. Few quotes:
Before 1st qualification match: "We only need 2 defenders v Ireland" - in no time Iraland were 1 goal up & Holland just managed a draw.
Before home match v Portugal: "Portugal can't score goals, so we can focus on attack" - Ronald De Boer & Zenden played fullback, Holland lost 0-2.
After the awaymatch v Portugal explaing why he subbed a defender for a 4th striker when Holland were 0-2 up and dominating the game: "We were close to scoring a third goal" - Portugal escaped with a draw.
Marco van Basten's starting line-ups make more sense than Louis' during that WC qualification.
Dicky Dick still has the award for the most ridiculous substitution ever, despite all Marco van Basten efforts to outnut him. At Euro 2004 in the match v the Czechs, he took off in shape Arjen Robben, allowing the Czech fullback to go forward and turn a 1-2 deficit in a 3-2 win.
Could go on for a while, but I think you'll get my point:
IT WILL BE MADNESS TONIGHT
Thanks for the info jonathan! I didn't know Advocaat was coaching Zenit. It's too bad I'm not getting the game here. Setanta has Bordeaux-Galatasaray, then FSC has Tottenham-Getafe, Setanta with Red Star-Bayern, and FSC has Everton-Larissa...NO ZENIT-AZ! Damn!
