by Sgoater1 Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:51 am
Shameless meets The Wicker Man
The ecologists were right, the world is changing. The summers are getting shorter, it's science fact. It seems like only yesterday that we were getting unnecessarily baton charged by the Cleveland SS, sorry constabulary, at The Riverside yet our first competitive game (although I use that term in the loosest possible sense) is less than a week away. Where did all the time go?
This being Manchester City, it's been a fairly eventful pre-season. Our chairman is back in Thailand facing corruption charges, whilst some of our fans have seemingly become overnight experts in the intricacies of the Thai judicial system. Sven, of course, was unceremoniously dumped after a disappointing end to a season which had started with such promise, and has been replaced by Mark Hughes. My previous column was fiercely critical of the appointment, but I'm starting to warm to the man (admittedly it's only gone from sub-zero to tepid, but that's progress of sorts).
There's been a boardroom shuffle too, with St John Wardle and Chief Exec "Red Al" Mackintosh leaving the club, whilst Paul Tyrell has been conspicuous by his absence, somewhat ironic given that his job is Head of Communications. In their place come Garry (two R's, goddammit) Cook, having been headhunted from Nike, and 27 other members of the Shinawatra family, but we'll have no accusations of nepotism. OK?
Cook's appointment in particular has generated much excitement amongst City fans, which seems bizarre when you consider that he is, essentially, just another suit. In fairness to Cook, he has conducted himself fairly impressively in his dealings with the media thus far, although he is prone to the odd case of foot-in-mouth disease which affected previous incumbents. Francis Lee conducted his first AGM at Manchester Airport (as "this is where flights to Europe depart from"), whilst Peter Swales vowed to make us a bigger club than United. Cook, for his part, boldly stated that we "need to build a bigger trophy cabinet". As we've not won a trophy of any note for over thirty years, it would've sufficed just to say we need to build a trophy cabinet.
On the playing side we've seen the departure of the legendary Paul Dickov (proving that the old football adage that you should never go back is indeed true), the endearingly inept Sun Jihai and Emile Mpzena, who has joined up with the cast on the set of Predator 3.
The only arrival so far has been Jo, the Brazilian with a short name and large transfer fee. £19m seemed a little excessive for a largely unproven player with only one cap, but I'm not going to complain when we smash our transfer record for an exciting young South American (they have a reputation for being successful in the Premiership, right? Eh? Oh...). Jo's arrival means we now have 63 strikers in the squad, yet no out and out right wingers, with the exception of the Chairman. Arf.
Meanwhile, the on/off Ronaldinho saga coughs and splutters it's way into another tedious week, but it seems likely that AC Milan will secure his services. There was a bizarre moment during negotiations where the Milan vice-chairman claimed that they couldn't compete financially with "the likes of Manchester City". The times they are a-changing. In true City tradition, some fans were typically dour about the prospect of signing a 28 year, two time World Player of the Year. "Ronaldinho? What's he ever done?". Personally I'm disappointed that the deal looks dead, as it deprives me of the opportunity of seeing the buck-toothed genius lining up alongside "Deadly" Darius Vassell. There would've been a beautiful juxtaposition about it.
Next Thursday sees City travel to the Faroe Islands for a glamour tie against European giants EB/Streymur (the only team I can recall that have a forward slash in their name; if they're willing to defy all standard naming conventions with such casual abandon then we shouldn't underestimate them. They're clearly gung-ho mavericks). It's a notoriously difficult place to get to, not that that's deterred some. A group of City fans, to their eternal credit, have gone to the lengths of hiring their own trawler to get to the game (http://www.bluemoon-mcfc.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=79344&start=0). Cue numerous nautical ditties, such as "City, we're on the ship again" and "Faroes, Faroes, we are the Trawler Boys".
The team are based in the rural village of Streymnes, population four hundred. Quite how they'll react to the invasion of 500 Mancunian pissheads remains to be seen. It'd make for a fascinating sociological experiment. I'm surprised Channel 4 aren't there. I imagine it'd be like an episode of Shameless meets The Wicker Man, although a recent relaxation of the local drinking laws means they're a boisterous drunken lot apparently. Maybe the culture clash won't be so marked.
The game will see the first appearance in the latest bastardisation of a kit. Who comes up with these designs?! It's time to name and shame the culprits, we'll hound them out of house and home. The away shirt is particularly bad, with a preposterous "bubble" design on the red stripes. It's as though two stoned work experience kids at Le Coq Sportif were left to their own devices, dicking about with Photoshop. "Huh-huh, f@ck about with the hue and saturation, they'll never notice...".
Ridiculously, the return "home" leg is to be played at Barnsley's ground Oakwell. The reason? Bon Jovi (apropos of nothing an anagram of our £6m striker Bojinov) played at The City of Manchester stadium this summer and the pitch is still being repaired. Ironically, yet depressingly, Jon Bon Jovi has now spent more playing time on the Eastland's turf than Valerie. It seems absurd that we were unable to find a suitable venue even in our own county, despite the abundance of local clubs. Christ, even Edgeley Park would've sufficed. But bloody Yorkshire? Surely there must've been somewhere a little more civilised and progressive to play the game. Streymnes, for instance.