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The Page That Realised The Country Had Gone To The Dogs When 'Borat' Took Up Ten Minutes On The National News
Posted 30/10/06 11:11
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Not a lot, then, if The Independent is anything to go by. We would have expected it to at least include 'We probably need to work on penalties'.
Looking Forward To The Journalistic Transfer Window
"Maybe somewhere in the future if you are going to move managers on, you will have to do it during the transfer window," suggested Stuart Pearce on Friday, sounding very like a turkey suggesting there should be a rule against killing turkeys for Christmas.
"Then at least people would have the chance to get on with their job a little bit.
"At the moment, we have a situation where one result can dictate whether you are doing well, average or badly."
Loud and sustained laughter greeted this declaration in F365 Towers, where the point was mooted that if one result dictated how well you were doing, Stuart Pearce almost certainly wouldn't have had the chance to lead his club to just three wins in their last 20 games.
But just as we expected to hear similar howls of derision from around the country, one man leapt to agree with the Man Citeh boss.
You can probably guess the profession of that man. Less than shockingly, he's a football manager, albeit not in a real league. Indeed, he's none other than Wee Gordon Strachan:
"I would like to see it written into contracts that managers cannot be sacked during the season," blurted the Celtic boss, loving the idea of having tenure.
"It would solve a lot of problems for the manager because he would know he can't be sacked."
Likewise, a similar rule for journalists would solve a lot of Mediawatch's problems.
And, in anticipation of such a rule being created before the boss gets back to the office, we'll be in the pub by the time you read this.
Lies, Damn Lies And Statistics
Said Arsene Wenger of his side's clash with Everton:
"It was very frustrating against a team with zero shots on or off target."
It must have been especially frustrating that a team with zero shots scored as early as the tenth minute.
The Talk Of The Toon
Boasting about our accurate prediction on Friday that 'injury free' Kieron Dyer would be re-crippled before the day was out would be similar to gloating that we'd predicted the sun would rise on Saturday morning. So we won't.
Instead, let's look at just how this latest injury occurred. Hearing tell of a 'freak training ground accident' always intrigues the slapstick-happy Mediawatch, and so we were on tenterhooks until Newcastle released the news that Dyer had 'collided with an inanimate object'.
Poor old Titus. He just can't do anything right.
Don't Call Him Cashley
A 'furious' Cheryl Cole has slammed critics of her husband and provided conclusive testimony that behind that self-obsessed, greedy exterior a half-decent human being actually exists.
"I wish they'd stop calling me Greedy. They don't even know me or Ashley. He is the kindest, softest, loveliest person," she informed The Sun.
"People call me names all the time - but it hurts more when I hear Ashley being called them. It's so far from the person he is. He even gets offended if I try to pay the bill when we're at a restaurant."
A multi-millionaire willing to pay his wife's half of the bill. Gallantry rarely reaches such benevolent heights.
Covering All Bases
'With time running out for Alan Pardew, the West Ham United manager has been given one more match to save his job' - The Times, Thursday, ahead of Sunday's date with Blackburn.
'Pardew, whose job would have been safe even if West Ham had lost, said...' - The Times, Monday, following Sunday's win over Blackburn.
Making It Up As They Go Along
Headline from The Sun: 'Mourinho's Dig At Barca Divers'.
Opening sentence of story: 'Jose Mourinho has warned his stars to beware of Barcelona's divers.'
Quotes from Jose Mourinho: Absolutely none.
How Kanu Gets His Kicks
"I am a Christian and I love praying" - Kanu.
Mediawatch must say it's nice to hear a story of a footballer on his knees that doesn't involve a mobile phone.
For Your Licence Fee This Weekend, Part One
From the BBC website's clockwatch of Liverpool v Aston Villa:
'1543: GOAL Liverpool 3-0 Aston Villa - It is getting embarrassing for Villa now, with their unbeaten league run seemingly in tatters. But what a fabulous team goal from a supposedly out-of-sorts Liverpool, ending with Luis Garcia calmly slotting under Thomas Sorensen from 10 yards.
'1614: GOAL Liverpool 1-3 Aston Villa - Surely even Martin O'Neill cannot turn this one around? But the master tactician's half-time substitutions begin to pay dividends.'
We knew he was good, but we didn't know he was that good.
We're With Stupid
Said Pedro Mendes after escaping censure for his sneaky handball:
"Yeah, it was stupid. It was a stupid thing. It was stupid stupid at 3-0 for us. I just thought I could clear off the line with my shoulder, but my arm just went with a stupid thing. Now when I'm in the dressing room I start thinking that was a really stupid thing to do."
For Your Licence Fee This Weekend, Part Two
From the BBC's clockwatch of Chelski's win over Sheffield Umited:
'Cross by Wayne Bridge (Chelsea), headed goal by Michael Ballack (Chelsea) (top-right of goal) from centre of penalty area (6 yards).Sheff Utd 0-2 Chelsea. Assist (cross) by Wayne Bridge (Chelsea) from left wing.'
And you thought we were biased against Fat Frank.
Headline Of The Day
'Cometh The Hour, Cometh The Old Man' - The Daily Mirror on Teddy Sheringham's goal.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Chelsea Vow To Turn Over A Nou Leaf' - The Daily Express.
On This Day In
2002 - Run DMC's Jam Master Jay was murdered in his recording studio.
1961 - The Soviet Union tested the world's largest ever nuclear bomb over the Arctic island of Novaya Zemlya.
1938 - Orson Welles caused a nationwide panic with his broadcast of 'War of the Worlds' - a realistic radio dramatisation of a Martian invasion of Earth.
Quote Of The Day
"I'm sure Stuart doesn't feel under pressure, I didn't and you just need time to get your ideas across" - Gareth Southgate reassures Stuart Pearce that the future is bright after leading his Middlesbrough team to the heady heights of 14th in the Premiership.
Non-Football Quote Of The Day
"I have found suggestions that I have a personal grievance against Fletcher to be disappointing. Especially as some of the comments over the last week have been personally insulting. In particular, I resent the fact that my argument has been misrepresented by a pompous prat who obviously has his own personal issues regarding my cricketing record as it compares to his own public school and club career" - Geoff Boycott, The Daily Telegraph.
Rumour Of The Day
'Irate Hearts fans have reported a linesman to the SFA and accused him of challenging them to a fight' - The Daily Record. Why the fuss? That's how they do things in Scotland, isn't it?
Posted 30/10/06 11:11
[email]Email[/email]PrintSave
Not a lot, then, if The Independent is anything to go by. We would have expected it to at least include 'We probably need to work on penalties'.
Looking Forward To The Journalistic Transfer Window
"Maybe somewhere in the future if you are going to move managers on, you will have to do it during the transfer window," suggested Stuart Pearce on Friday, sounding very like a turkey suggesting there should be a rule against killing turkeys for Christmas.
"Then at least people would have the chance to get on with their job a little bit.
"At the moment, we have a situation where one result can dictate whether you are doing well, average or badly."
Loud and sustained laughter greeted this declaration in F365 Towers, where the point was mooted that if one result dictated how well you were doing, Stuart Pearce almost certainly wouldn't have had the chance to lead his club to just three wins in their last 20 games.
But just as we expected to hear similar howls of derision from around the country, one man leapt to agree with the Man Citeh boss.
You can probably guess the profession of that man. Less than shockingly, he's a football manager, albeit not in a real league. Indeed, he's none other than Wee Gordon Strachan:
"I would like to see it written into contracts that managers cannot be sacked during the season," blurted the Celtic boss, loving the idea of having tenure.
"It would solve a lot of problems for the manager because he would know he can't be sacked."
Likewise, a similar rule for journalists would solve a lot of Mediawatch's problems.
And, in anticipation of such a rule being created before the boss gets back to the office, we'll be in the pub by the time you read this.
Lies, Damn Lies And Statistics
Said Arsene Wenger of his side's clash with Everton:
"It was very frustrating against a team with zero shots on or off target."
It must have been especially frustrating that a team with zero shots scored as early as the tenth minute.
The Talk Of The Toon
Boasting about our accurate prediction on Friday that 'injury free' Kieron Dyer would be re-crippled before the day was out would be similar to gloating that we'd predicted the sun would rise on Saturday morning. So we won't.
Instead, let's look at just how this latest injury occurred. Hearing tell of a 'freak training ground accident' always intrigues the slapstick-happy Mediawatch, and so we were on tenterhooks until Newcastle released the news that Dyer had 'collided with an inanimate object'.
Poor old Titus. He just can't do anything right.
Don't Call Him Cashley
A 'furious' Cheryl Cole has slammed critics of her husband and provided conclusive testimony that behind that self-obsessed, greedy exterior a half-decent human being actually exists.
"I wish they'd stop calling me Greedy. They don't even know me or Ashley. He is the kindest, softest, loveliest person," she informed The Sun.
"People call me names all the time - but it hurts more when I hear Ashley being called them. It's so far from the person he is. He even gets offended if I try to pay the bill when we're at a restaurant."
A multi-millionaire willing to pay his wife's half of the bill. Gallantry rarely reaches such benevolent heights.
Covering All Bases
'With time running out for Alan Pardew, the West Ham United manager has been given one more match to save his job' - The Times, Thursday, ahead of Sunday's date with Blackburn.
'Pardew, whose job would have been safe even if West Ham had lost, said...' - The Times, Monday, following Sunday's win over Blackburn.
Making It Up As They Go Along
Headline from The Sun: 'Mourinho's Dig At Barca Divers'.
Opening sentence of story: 'Jose Mourinho has warned his stars to beware of Barcelona's divers.'
Quotes from Jose Mourinho: Absolutely none.
How Kanu Gets His Kicks
"I am a Christian and I love praying" - Kanu.
Mediawatch must say it's nice to hear a story of a footballer on his knees that doesn't involve a mobile phone.
For Your Licence Fee This Weekend, Part One
From the BBC website's clockwatch of Liverpool v Aston Villa:
'1543: GOAL Liverpool 3-0 Aston Villa - It is getting embarrassing for Villa now, with their unbeaten league run seemingly in tatters. But what a fabulous team goal from a supposedly out-of-sorts Liverpool, ending with Luis Garcia calmly slotting under Thomas Sorensen from 10 yards.
'1614: GOAL Liverpool 1-3 Aston Villa - Surely even Martin O'Neill cannot turn this one around? But the master tactician's half-time substitutions begin to pay dividends.'
We knew he was good, but we didn't know he was that good.
We're With Stupid
Said Pedro Mendes after escaping censure for his sneaky handball:
"Yeah, it was stupid. It was a stupid thing. It was stupid stupid at 3-0 for us. I just thought I could clear off the line with my shoulder, but my arm just went with a stupid thing. Now when I'm in the dressing room I start thinking that was a really stupid thing to do."
For Your Licence Fee This Weekend, Part Two
From the BBC's clockwatch of Chelski's win over Sheffield Umited:
'Cross by Wayne Bridge (Chelsea), headed goal by Michael Ballack (Chelsea) (top-right of goal) from centre of penalty area (6 yards).Sheff Utd 0-2 Chelsea. Assist (cross) by Wayne Bridge (Chelsea) from left wing.'
And you thought we were biased against Fat Frank.
Headline Of The Day
'Cometh The Hour, Cometh The Old Man' - The Daily Mirror on Teddy Sheringham's goal.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Chelsea Vow To Turn Over A Nou Leaf' - The Daily Express.
On This Day In
2002 - Run DMC's Jam Master Jay was murdered in his recording studio.
1961 - The Soviet Union tested the world's largest ever nuclear bomb over the Arctic island of Novaya Zemlya.
1938 - Orson Welles caused a nationwide panic with his broadcast of 'War of the Worlds' - a realistic radio dramatisation of a Martian invasion of Earth.
Quote Of The Day
"I'm sure Stuart doesn't feel under pressure, I didn't and you just need time to get your ideas across" - Gareth Southgate reassures Stuart Pearce that the future is bright after leading his Middlesbrough team to the heady heights of 14th in the Premiership.
Non-Football Quote Of The Day
"I have found suggestions that I have a personal grievance against Fletcher to be disappointing. Especially as some of the comments over the last week have been personally insulting. In particular, I resent the fact that my argument has been misrepresented by a pompous prat who obviously has his own personal issues regarding my cricketing record as it compares to his own public school and club career" - Geoff Boycott, The Daily Telegraph.
Rumour Of The Day
'Irate Hearts fans have reported a linesman to the SFA and accused him of challenging them to a fight' - The Daily Record. Why the fuss? That's how they do things in Scotland, isn't it?
