Football365's 2007 Crystal Ball (One)

Very funny...

JANUARY

* 35-year-old Henrik Larsson is a disappointment but Sir Alex Ferguson refuses to acknowledge that the former Celtic legend may be past his best. "These Scandinavians are model professionals and can play on for years," insists Sir. To prove it, he signs Brian Laudrup on a three-year deal.


* Liverpool's Rafa Benitez defends himself against criticism that he is not playing Steven Gerrard in his best position, saying, "Stevie is proving himself an extremely competent goalkeeper."


* Sven-Goran Eriksson is appointed manager of model Premiership club Charlton Athletic, names David Beckham as captain and vows that Becks will be selected for every game. Real Madrid point out that Beckham is still contracted to them, but Sven insists his mind is made up and that Beckham's record for Charlton (he's never been on the losing side) speaks for itself.


* After her successful campaign with Asda's fashion range, Colleen looks for other upmarket endorsement opportunities for herself and her Wayne. An excited spokesperson reveals, "Wayne is perfect as the new face for Spud U Like."



FEBRUARY

* Despite having a broken leg, Stewart Downing is selected for England's friendly against Spain. He sits quietly, in a bath chair, on the left side of midfield for the full 90 minutes. McClaren declares himself "delighted with the lad's contribution".


* Hearts dictator Vladimir Romanov sacks all the remaining Scottish players in the squad, citing "gross insubordination" and "Scottishness, innit".


* Freddie Shepherd has a brainwave and enquires if Titus Bramble might maybe, possibly, have a Scottish grandma or be causing pie-related unrest in the dressing room.


* After a year's work, Lord Stevens concludes that some football agents may be a bit dodgy. His next inquiry will focus on the alleged Catholicism of His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI.



MARCH

* A disappointing performance against Andorra causes more heat for Steve McClaren. He explains that the players were suffering a World Cup hangover again, but this time it's because of the Cricket World Cup. A nation sighs.


* Vladimir Romanov gets rid of the rest of the Hearts squad, telling a press conference: "They had to go. They were looking at me funny."


* Brian Laudrup is not quite firing on all cylinders but still Sir Fergie refuses to concede the point. A stunning transfer coup sees Tomas Brolin arrive at Old Trafford.


* Craig Bellamy is added to George W Bush's 'Axis of Evil'.



APRIL

* Despite media reports to the contrary, Steven Gerrard insists he is happy with the role Rafael Benitez has handed him, saying, "I'm very happy on loan at Widnes and I feel my scrummaging skills are coming on with every game."


* Tomas Brolin requires the use of a small crane to get onto the pitch, but Sir Alex is convinced that his transfer policy will soon bear fruit. Lennart Johansson is signed to play on the left side of midfield.


* Stuart Downing releases his autobiography, 'McClaren And Me: A Forbidden Love' (Barton Press, £4.99).


* Mentalist Korean leader Kim Il-sung asks for permission to leave the Axis of Evil, saying that Craig Bellamy "scares him".



MAY

* Despite Chelsea being nine points ahead with only one game to play, Richard Keys opens his coverage of the final match of the season by saying, "This title race is going right down to the wire - it's still anybody's."


* The Champions League final is played. Arsène Wenger is still complaining bitterly about the refereeing in last year's.


* A final throw of the dice sees Sir Alex enquire about the availability of Ingmar Bergman to add some firepower from the United bench.


* Wembley is absolutely, definitely, no question about it, going to be ready for the Cup Final in 2008.



JUNE

* England's national team look forward to a month of doing nothing whatsoever. Frank Lampard explains that they enjoyed it so much last summer that they thought they'd do it all again this year.


* Vladimir Romanov bans Hearts fans from Tynecastle, telling them "he doesn't need their sort ruining things" and begins trying to persuade Lithuanians to emigrate to Scotland in order to provide some support for the team. However, the slogan 'People of Lithuania: Sick of a harsh climate, terrible diet and rampant alcoholism? Then come to Scotland!' falls foul of the advertising standards authorities.


* Steven Gerrard's patience looks to be wearing thin but he puts a brave face on Benitez's latest role for him. "I'm not the sort of person to shirk a challenge and I think I can be a big success as the Minister for Fisheries here in Peru," he says.


* Saga Holidays launch Club 58-70, for older ladies looking for a bit of a fling in their summer break. More promotional work beckons for Rooney, W.


Alan Tyers

* Despite having a broken leg, Stewart Downing is selected for England's friendly against Spain. He sits quietly, in a bath chair, on the left side of midfield for the full 90 minutes. McClaren declares himself "delighted with the lad's contribution".

this one got the biggest laugh from me:

* Craig Bellamy is added to George W Bush's 'Axis of Evil'.

* Mentalist Korean leader Kim Il-sung asks for permission to leave the Axis of Evil, saying that Craig Bellamy "scares him".

However, the slogan 'People of Lithuania: Sick of a harsh climate, terrible diet and rampant alcoholism? Then come to Scotland!' falls foul of the advertising standards authorities

Pure genius

Oleguerisntthatbad wrote:
* The Champions League final is played. Arsène Wenger is still complaining bitterly about the refereeing in last year's.

SGM wrote:

Oleguerisntthatbad wrote:
* The Champions League final is played. Arsène Wenger is still complaining bitterly about the refereeing in last year's.

* Freddie Shepherd has a brainwave and enquires if Titus Bramble might maybe, possibly, have a Scottish grandma or be causing pie-related unrest in the dressing room.

Tweedle wrote:this one got the biggest laugh from me:

* Craig Bellamy is added to George W Bush's 'Axis of Evil'.

completely unfunny.

Luis wrote:

Tweedle wrote:this one got the biggest laugh from me:

* Craig Bellamy is added to George W Bush's 'Axis of Evil'.

completely unfunny.

I imagine your the type of personal that gets offended by the term 'christmas lights' as well.

not unexpected

Oleguerisntthatbad wrote:



MAY

* Despite Chelsea being nine points ahead with only one game to play, Richard Keys opens his coverage of the final match of the season by saying, "This title race is going right down to the wire - it's still anybody's."

Oleguerisntthatbad wrote:

* Steven Gerrard's patience looks to be wearing thin but he puts a brave face on Benitez's latest role for him. "I'm not the sort of person to shirk a challenge and I think I can be a big success as the Minister for Fisheries here in Peru," he says.


* Saga Holidays launch Club 58-70, for older ladies looking for a bit of a fling in their summer break. More promotional work beckons for Rooney, W.

And for the final part:

JULY

* There's more trophy glory for Newcastle as the city comes top in Look North East's poll of places to visit in the north east. An open-topped bus parade is planned.


* After a failed experiment with Sven, Charlton re-appoint Les Reed. However, Les is once again a disappointment and they bring in another bright young managerial hopeful: Derek Fazackerley.


* Vladimir Putin buys QPR. Stamford Bridge is sealed off after a mysterious radioactivity scare.


* Jose Mourinho fronts a campaign to stamp diving out of the game. "Except for teams that play in Blue whose name rhymes with Elsie, of course," he explains.



AUGUST

* A year to the day after his transfer, football grounds nationwide hold a minute's silence in memory of poor Ashley Cole, who, in a clear and grotesque infringement of his human rights, was offered just 50,000 pounds a week to play football.


* Rio Ferdinand forgets to turn up for a routine IQ test and sees his membership of Mensa suspended for nine months.


* Tom Cruise buys the club of his dreams. "Man City sounds like a great place," says the heterosexual film star.


* The Charlton board relieve promising youngster Derek Fazackerley of his duties, saying they're looking for a coach who's been around the game for a little longer. The body of Herbert Chapman is exhumed and installed in The Valley hot-seat. Results pick up.



SEPTEMBER

* The people of Liverpool complete their silence for tragic Ashley.


* Jose Mourinho receives a special award from Japan for stubbornness. "It's taken us 60-odd years to say sorry, kind of, for World War II," says Emperor Akihito. "We like Jose's style."


* Jonathan Woodgate looks set for another spell on the sidelines after injuring his toecaps and knuckles on a night out.


* A consortium including members of Cosa Nostra, Colombian drug lords and Yakuza bosses consider a bid for Portsmouth. However, they withdraw their offer at the eleventh hour, explaining, "That Redknapp geezer was just a bit too much of a wheeler-dealer for our liking."



OCTOBER

* The headline 'Beckham considers retirement' prompts great excitement in the worlds of fashion and pop. But sadly for music lovers, it's about David.


* Steve McClaren breathes a sigh of relief as England's shambolic rugby team draw some of the tabloid fire away from the disappointing 0-0 draw with Estonia. However, he privately concedes that the Cook Islands cannot be expected to defeat England 72-3 at Twickenham every time there's a Euro qualifier.


* Duncan Ferguson is back in the headlines after beating the living daylights out of three suspected intruders at his home. Police warn other trick or treaters to stay away.


* Owen Hargreaves finally gets his dream move to Man United. However, the German soon falls foul of his new team-mates by pushing to the front of the queue at the players' canteen, criticising their cars and barging Gary Neville over with a large flourescent backpack.



NOVEMBER

* After 2006's triumph for a posh bint who rides horses, many critics argue that the BBC's Sports Personality Of The Year contest has lost further validity when referee Graham Poll romps home. However, he is later discovered to have voted for himself over 150,000 times and the award goes instead to Andy Murray after the tennis ace's thrilling charge into the first round at Wimbledon (before glorious defeat at the hands of Patagonia's number three).


* Jonathan Woodgate suffers an injury setback when he dislocates his brain attempting The Sun's coffee break crossword.


* Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears put together a consortium to buy an unnamed Premiership club. "We believe our experience showing off our pampered tw*ts to the public will stand us in good stead," says Ms Hilton.


* Whistleblower Mike Newell turns his attention to the cash-for-peerages row. "Apparently, some of them politicians are birds!" he says. "What is the world coming to? It's PC gone mad."



DECEMBER

* Frank Lampard takes up Mark Hughes' refrain that players should have more time off over Christmas, saying: "I want to spend some more time with my wife and family, if she'll let me in the house. And there's all those mince pies to be eaten."


* The Sun notches up the one hundred millionth Christmas pun in an English language football report with 'Christmas came early for Rotherham when Scunthorpe keeper handed them a gift blah blah blah...'.


* Arsène Wenger receives an OBE, but refuses to shake hands with The Queen.


* Michael Owen's comeback from injury stalls as all his limbs fall off. "I can do a job," his torso insists to the media. "I am still quicker than Shearer was in his last season."

Oleguerisntthatbad wrote:


AUGUST

* A year to the day after his transfer, football grounds nationwide hold a minute's silence in memory of poor Ashley Cole, who, in a clear and grotesque infringement of his human rights, was offered just 50,000 pounds a week to play football.


SEPTEMBER

* The people of Liverpool complete their silence for tragic Ashley.

Hahahaha!

Oleguerisntthatbad wrote:

* Owen Hargreaves finally gets his dream move to Man United. However, the German soon falls foul of his new team-mates by pushing to the front of the queue at the players' canteen, criticising their cars and barging Gary Neville over with a large flourescent backpack.

Thats excellent as well.