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Football 365
12 months of football on the telly brought to us by the good, the bad and also John Barnes. Who are the best and worst and what can we expect from them in 2007? Our man in the north reports...
PART ONE: THE PUNDITS
They sit on the sofas or alongside commentators and give wise insights into what happened, what should happen and what's going to happen. That's the idea anyway. There are hundreds of them. These are the main ones....
Chris Kamara 9.5/10
2006 has been another classic year for the Boro lad. The most multi-talented presenter of them all, he does presenting in studio, reporting live from matches and co-commentating punditry. The levels of enthusiasm he sustains are an example to every lame, limp, half-assed pundit and presenter.
Also has a comprehensive knowledge of lower league football. He loses half a point for occasionally becoming totally incomprehensible and staring blankly at the camera. Expect more hilarious nonsense in 2007.
Andy Gray 8/10
His powers are waning probably due to over-familiarity and institutionalized complacency. The problem is that he now seems to be part of the establishment when, in his glory years, he was an outspoken outsider. Needs to get his edge back in 2007 but can still do tactical analysis better than most.
Alan Hansen 8/10
He's grown lazy on all our creamy BBC money and isn't pushed to perform by his editors or directors, so he too often relies on sloppy analysis and clichés. He needs to get some edge back and start working for his money. He can still do it. His withering criticism of the ineffectual Ballack was Hansen at his finest "...he's just got a huge cigar on." Top stuff. More of that in 2007 please.
Matt Le Tissier 8/10
The subject of much pie-based humour on Soccer Saturday and the only one to wear an open necked shirt. He's always relaxed and prepared for a laugh. Because he also knows his stuff, he's now an essential inclusion for the Saturday fun. He's not afraid to show contempt for players and take the piss - all essential for the good pundit. Plus he often looks like he's been on the lash until 5 minutes before coming on screen. That's class. Will be star performer of 2007.
Graeme Souness 7.5/10
A better pundit than a manager, he's drafted in for the marathon Champions League days to sit on those uncomfortable stools for five hours and look at obscure games involving Dynamo Hum versus Locomotive Breath. Has a sparkle in his eye every time he sees a vicious foul or a fight break. If he could just lose his temper a bit more and kick Mr Keys he'd be perfect. Expect more neatly groomed, expensively dressed punditry in 2007.
Tony Gale 7.5/10
Looks and talks like a cab driver and comes over as a bit of a Daily Mail reader. But it's all about having opinions and Gale says what he thinks forcefully while wearing a cat-that-got-the-cream grin. Gives a good old school 80s perspective on the game and has got better all year.
Leonardo 7.5/10
Handicapped by being treated as a sex god by everyone else on the BBC and having to stay awake during a Lee Dixon soliloquy. Despite his expensively prepared wispy fly-away hair he still manages to bring insight to the games in what is probably his third language. He was the BBC's single bright spot in the World Cup. Will he want to suffer the BBC any more in 2007?
Ruud Gullit 7.5/10
He did the ITV World Cup gig as well as it was possible to do in the 45 seconds available between ads for mentalist junk food. Often does well on the Champions League on Sky and always brings insight and some humour to the proceedings. Too cool to wear socks, he knows his Dutch and Italian football. Essential pundit for the big European nights.
Phil Thompson 7.5/10
Knows the domestic game inside out and uniquely brings a wealth of experience as a top player, at a top club and also behind the scenes as a coach and manager. Wears a comedy prosthetic nose for added entertainment value. May get a proper football job in 2007.
Charlie Nicholas 7/10
At his best when he loses his rag a bit and gets a slight psychotic gleam in his eye - something he doesn't do enough. Not afraid to be opinionated and is always prepared to slag people off when necessary, which is all we want really. A stalwart performer, but are his best days already behind him?
Peter Beagrie 7/10
A new addition to the Sky panel in 2006, he has paid his dues reporting on league cup matches at places like Scunthorpe on wet Tuesdays. A quick-witted Boro lad who is never short of something to say even though he has weird unseeing eyes that make him look like he's blind. A rising star for 2007 and clearly loves the job.
Tony Cottee 7/10
A genuine cockernee 'cor blimey guvnor and no mistake football bloke. He has a real love of the game and is prepared to take the piss out of himself for being 4'3" tall. He spends a lot of time watching West Ham with tears in his eyes looking sad. Most likely pundit to say, "He done me up like a kipper." A steady reliable performer.
Paul Walsh 7/10
Easy to forget Walshy was an England international in 83/84. He looks like he's got a nark on most of the time and likes a good moan; the sort of bloke who could start an argument in a graveyard. He's effective but needs to be more dynamic in 2007. Bring back your 80s bleached mullet Walshy.
Alan McInally 7/10
Hard bastard. Opinionated and likes shouting. Gives the impression that he doesn't suffer fools gladly. Rows with Jeff like a drunk at the bar. He's definitely the pundit you'd most like to see stripped to the waist and brawling outside of a pub with a skin full of drink on him.
David Pleat 7/10
Most people think he's a silly old man. I like him because he always says "hello everyone" as the game starts, which makes me feel wanted. Handicapped by some bizarre pronunciations and rambling delusions but Pleat knows football inside and out and he's good on tactics.
Steve Claridge 7/10
He is, of course, quite mad or on acid. But I like him because of that. Blandness is the greatest punditry sin and Claridge often veers into hysteria. Yes, he talks nonsense a lot but he is entertaining and get's good points for that.
Gordon McQueen 6.5/10
Tough-talking and with scary, staring blue eyes, McQueen was a top class hard man defender and he brings some of that muscle to his punditry. Amusingly pronounces Plymouth as Ply Mouth but sometimes goes missing in action on the panel and appears to find it difficult to talk and look at a TV screen simultaneously. Probably will be a peripheral Sky man in 2007.
John Salako 6.5/10
Looks about 12 years old and talks very fast. He looks keen even when he's sent to cover Palace on a wet Tuesday night, but he lacks gravitas. Has done good work covering the African Nations on the BBC in the past. More articulate than most. One to watch in 2007.
Ally McCoist 5.5/10
One of ITV's finest. Which isn't saying much. His natural, if a bit annoying, boyish enthusiasm is crushed by ITV's constant need to be going to another ad break and by production daft ideas and by the dead hand of Rider. It'll be more of the same in 2007.
Pat Nevin. 5.5/10
Pops up on Channel 5 and BBC Scotland. He's well educated and keen but gets being bullied to the point of tears by Colin Murray. Will never rise above the slightly dull.
Gary Pallister. 5/10
Relegated to the BBC's copy of Soccer Saturday that no one watches, he s a good Teesside lad who if he was given more of a chance and was encouraged to sit up straight, and look a bit keener, still has a lot to offer. Probably can't be arsed though. Fair enough Pally, mines a double, son.
Alan Mullery 5/10
He marked Pele you know. Has an amusing old school cab driver type attitude and the thickest jam jar bottom style glasses on TV but has been superseded by Gale in the leery Londoner stakes. Another veteran for whom 2007 will be a long slow fade out.
Alan Smith 5/10
Smudger is the nice lad from the remedial class. With that slightly apologetic Bromsgrove accent and speech impediment he's inoffensive but far too insipid to be any good as a pundit. It'll be the same old same old in the next 12 months.
George Graham 5/10
Uses boot polish black hair dye and maybe a robot. Never knows whether to look at the camera or the presenter when talking and has developed a verbal tick of saying 'Marcus' after every sentence, even when Marcus isn't there. It's always good to hear him talking with relish about negative, defensive football though. Could be good if given more air time and enough cash in a brown paper bag.
Terry Venables 4.5/10
Does a good impression of a man who had recently had a stroke and can't arrange his words properly any more. Now sports a new set of teeth that don't fit his mouth properly. An ever more ancient and irrelevant figure, so naturally he's England's number 2. Like England, he has no future in 2007 surely.
Andy Townshend 4.5/10
Comes with a huge, distracting nose and lumpy, warty skin which gives him an odd, Dickensian barrow boy sort of look but you have to feel sorry for him standing pitch side with that table half of the year. If ITV want to be taken seriously in 2007 they need to get rid of the old guard. Bye bye Andy.
Gavin Peacock 4.0
Adequate and polite, but a total lightweight. Gets point for that Fu Manchu style facial hair though. He's better on the radio.
Glenn Hoddle 4/10
Usually only on the Sky Champions League marathons. Looks and talks like he's constipated and the suspicion that he is talking rubbish always lingers, even when he isn't. Permanently damaged goods due to being a bit of a nutter but not in a nice way.
Robbie Earle 3.5/10
Crouches low in his seat and says even less than Andy in his allotted 20 seconds. His body language seems to be saying "look, I'm really sorry about all this." So are we Robbie. The exit door in 2007 should await.
Brian Marwood 3.5/10
Does the Sky pay per view. He should be paying us. If he says "with his class you'd expect better' one more time I shall be very cross and go after him with a big stick. So few hear him on ppv that he may get away with it for another year.
Alan Shearer 3/10
As bad as Lee Dixon but gets an extra half a point for the sh*t-eating grinning, no doubt at the thought of all the money he's earning for doing so little work. His analysis largely consists of just saying what is happening on the screen. "He's hit it with his right foot and it's gone in," to which a nation shouts "we know, we can see!!" Only the BBC could pay someone so much for doing so little in such a poor way. We're disappointed with that and will be all 2007 long.
Mark Lawrenson 3/10
His end-of-the-pier duo with Motty is an insult to us all. If the phrase 'tired cliché' was made flesh, it would look like Lawro slumped on a sofa looking fed up. Sadly destined to annoy us for 12 more months when a career in panto would surely be more appropriate.
Sir Les Ferdinand 3/10
You want to like Sir Les of Helicopter. You really do. But he can't string two sentences together in anything approaching coherence which is a bit of disadvantage when trying to be a pundit. He gets points for his fine cockney accent - he pronounces Portsmouth as Portsmuff. Well done Sir, but stick to the flying.
Paul Merson 3/10
Merse appears to have brain damage. He seems unable to speak coherently and has weird blank but slightly frightened eyes, as though he's expecting to be attacked by bats at any moment. His bursts of manic laughing are a genuinely frightening sight. Good comedy value if you enjoy laughing at the handicapped. Part of me just wants him to do that I'm-drinking-big-pints tongue out thing. He was good at that.
Graeme Le Saux 2.5/10
The BBC showed a brief moment of wisdom and, after stupidly promising him the seat next to Motty at the World Cup realised he was in fact, crap, possibly after hearing this bit of punditry he offered on Germany's chances, "I mean the thing is you got this you know the the fact is that if they get through these games which they should the fact the filled facts from that will generate sort of intensity in Germany and they'll feel that can you know go away and they're great at tournament football they've always done well."
Little G was a tad huffy about getting the boot but not huffy enough as he still turns up on Football Focus. Still rotten but scores a couple of points for allowing us to point to our bottom in a Robbie Fowler style when he comes on the screen.
Lee Dixon 2.5/10
Simply boring beyond endurance. Too boring to even write about. If we ignore him in 2007 he may go away.
Jamie Redknapp. 1.5/10
Because of his family and football relationships he is unable to be objective. Be honest, we all know he's a bit thick. His "any Englishman could manage England as well as Sven" comments have already been proved to be pure delusion too. There's something about him that is just fundamentally grating including that bloody Icon magazine thing. But despite not being good enough he will be on our screens in 2007 probably because of who his dad is.
Peter Reid 1.0
He can't pronounce any foreign names and when he says anything that is actually comprehensible, its all clichés and tired old nonsense. For a man who has had a lifetime in football he appears to have picked up no knowledge or insight or is simply unable to communicate it, which is what it's all about as a pundit. Gets 1 point for turning up and having the sheer gall to think he can even do the job. Amazingly, will probably hang on in 2007.
Ian Wright 0/10
See Peter Reid; only more mindless and incoherent and appallingly unprofessional. If you own a TV you are required by the law to pay his wages. Thanks BBC.
Coming soon: Part Two - The Presenters
12 months of football on the telly brought to us by the good, the bad and also John Barnes. Who are the best and worst and what can we expect from them in 2007? Our man in the north reports...
PART ONE: THE PUNDITS
They sit on the sofas or alongside commentators and give wise insights into what happened, what should happen and what's going to happen. That's the idea anyway. There are hundreds of them. These are the main ones....
Chris Kamara 9.5/10
2006 has been another classic year for the Boro lad. The most multi-talented presenter of them all, he does presenting in studio, reporting live from matches and co-commentating punditry. The levels of enthusiasm he sustains are an example to every lame, limp, half-assed pundit and presenter.
Also has a comprehensive knowledge of lower league football. He loses half a point for occasionally becoming totally incomprehensible and staring blankly at the camera. Expect more hilarious nonsense in 2007.
Andy Gray 8/10
His powers are waning probably due to over-familiarity and institutionalized complacency. The problem is that he now seems to be part of the establishment when, in his glory years, he was an outspoken outsider. Needs to get his edge back in 2007 but can still do tactical analysis better than most.
Alan Hansen 8/10
He's grown lazy on all our creamy BBC money and isn't pushed to perform by his editors or directors, so he too often relies on sloppy analysis and clichés. He needs to get some edge back and start working for his money. He can still do it. His withering criticism of the ineffectual Ballack was Hansen at his finest "...he's just got a huge cigar on." Top stuff. More of that in 2007 please.
Matt Le Tissier 8/10
The subject of much pie-based humour on Soccer Saturday and the only one to wear an open necked shirt. He's always relaxed and prepared for a laugh. Because he also knows his stuff, he's now an essential inclusion for the Saturday fun. He's not afraid to show contempt for players and take the piss - all essential for the good pundit. Plus he often looks like he's been on the lash until 5 minutes before coming on screen. That's class. Will be star performer of 2007.
Graeme Souness 7.5/10
A better pundit than a manager, he's drafted in for the marathon Champions League days to sit on those uncomfortable stools for five hours and look at obscure games involving Dynamo Hum versus Locomotive Breath. Has a sparkle in his eye every time he sees a vicious foul or a fight break. If he could just lose his temper a bit more and kick Mr Keys he'd be perfect. Expect more neatly groomed, expensively dressed punditry in 2007.
Tony Gale 7.5/10
Looks and talks like a cab driver and comes over as a bit of a Daily Mail reader. But it's all about having opinions and Gale says what he thinks forcefully while wearing a cat-that-got-the-cream grin. Gives a good old school 80s perspective on the game and has got better all year.
Leonardo 7.5/10
Handicapped by being treated as a sex god by everyone else on the BBC and having to stay awake during a Lee Dixon soliloquy. Despite his expensively prepared wispy fly-away hair he still manages to bring insight to the games in what is probably his third language. He was the BBC's single bright spot in the World Cup. Will he want to suffer the BBC any more in 2007?
Ruud Gullit 7.5/10
He did the ITV World Cup gig as well as it was possible to do in the 45 seconds available between ads for mentalist junk food. Often does well on the Champions League on Sky and always brings insight and some humour to the proceedings. Too cool to wear socks, he knows his Dutch and Italian football. Essential pundit for the big European nights.
Phil Thompson 7.5/10
Knows the domestic game inside out and uniquely brings a wealth of experience as a top player, at a top club and also behind the scenes as a coach and manager. Wears a comedy prosthetic nose for added entertainment value. May get a proper football job in 2007.
Charlie Nicholas 7/10
At his best when he loses his rag a bit and gets a slight psychotic gleam in his eye - something he doesn't do enough. Not afraid to be opinionated and is always prepared to slag people off when necessary, which is all we want really. A stalwart performer, but are his best days already behind him?
Peter Beagrie 7/10
A new addition to the Sky panel in 2006, he has paid his dues reporting on league cup matches at places like Scunthorpe on wet Tuesdays. A quick-witted Boro lad who is never short of something to say even though he has weird unseeing eyes that make him look like he's blind. A rising star for 2007 and clearly loves the job.
Tony Cottee 7/10
A genuine cockernee 'cor blimey guvnor and no mistake football bloke. He has a real love of the game and is prepared to take the piss out of himself for being 4'3" tall. He spends a lot of time watching West Ham with tears in his eyes looking sad. Most likely pundit to say, "He done me up like a kipper." A steady reliable performer.
Paul Walsh 7/10
Easy to forget Walshy was an England international in 83/84. He looks like he's got a nark on most of the time and likes a good moan; the sort of bloke who could start an argument in a graveyard. He's effective but needs to be more dynamic in 2007. Bring back your 80s bleached mullet Walshy.
Alan McInally 7/10
Hard bastard. Opinionated and likes shouting. Gives the impression that he doesn't suffer fools gladly. Rows with Jeff like a drunk at the bar. He's definitely the pundit you'd most like to see stripped to the waist and brawling outside of a pub with a skin full of drink on him.
David Pleat 7/10
Most people think he's a silly old man. I like him because he always says "hello everyone" as the game starts, which makes me feel wanted. Handicapped by some bizarre pronunciations and rambling delusions but Pleat knows football inside and out and he's good on tactics.
Steve Claridge 7/10
He is, of course, quite mad or on acid. But I like him because of that. Blandness is the greatest punditry sin and Claridge often veers into hysteria. Yes, he talks nonsense a lot but he is entertaining and get's good points for that.
Gordon McQueen 6.5/10
Tough-talking and with scary, staring blue eyes, McQueen was a top class hard man defender and he brings some of that muscle to his punditry. Amusingly pronounces Plymouth as Ply Mouth but sometimes goes missing in action on the panel and appears to find it difficult to talk and look at a TV screen simultaneously. Probably will be a peripheral Sky man in 2007.
John Salako 6.5/10
Looks about 12 years old and talks very fast. He looks keen even when he's sent to cover Palace on a wet Tuesday night, but he lacks gravitas. Has done good work covering the African Nations on the BBC in the past. More articulate than most. One to watch in 2007.
Ally McCoist 5.5/10
One of ITV's finest. Which isn't saying much. His natural, if a bit annoying, boyish enthusiasm is crushed by ITV's constant need to be going to another ad break and by production daft ideas and by the dead hand of Rider. It'll be more of the same in 2007.
Pat Nevin. 5.5/10
Pops up on Channel 5 and BBC Scotland. He's well educated and keen but gets being bullied to the point of tears by Colin Murray. Will never rise above the slightly dull.
Gary Pallister. 5/10
Relegated to the BBC's copy of Soccer Saturday that no one watches, he s a good Teesside lad who if he was given more of a chance and was encouraged to sit up straight, and look a bit keener, still has a lot to offer. Probably can't be arsed though. Fair enough Pally, mines a double, son.
Alan Mullery 5/10
He marked Pele you know. Has an amusing old school cab driver type attitude and the thickest jam jar bottom style glasses on TV but has been superseded by Gale in the leery Londoner stakes. Another veteran for whom 2007 will be a long slow fade out.
Alan Smith 5/10
Smudger is the nice lad from the remedial class. With that slightly apologetic Bromsgrove accent and speech impediment he's inoffensive but far too insipid to be any good as a pundit. It'll be the same old same old in the next 12 months.
George Graham 5/10
Uses boot polish black hair dye and maybe a robot. Never knows whether to look at the camera or the presenter when talking and has developed a verbal tick of saying 'Marcus' after every sentence, even when Marcus isn't there. It's always good to hear him talking with relish about negative, defensive football though. Could be good if given more air time and enough cash in a brown paper bag.
Terry Venables 4.5/10
Does a good impression of a man who had recently had a stroke and can't arrange his words properly any more. Now sports a new set of teeth that don't fit his mouth properly. An ever more ancient and irrelevant figure, so naturally he's England's number 2. Like England, he has no future in 2007 surely.
Andy Townshend 4.5/10
Comes with a huge, distracting nose and lumpy, warty skin which gives him an odd, Dickensian barrow boy sort of look but you have to feel sorry for him standing pitch side with that table half of the year. If ITV want to be taken seriously in 2007 they need to get rid of the old guard. Bye bye Andy.
Gavin Peacock 4.0
Adequate and polite, but a total lightweight. Gets point for that Fu Manchu style facial hair though. He's better on the radio.
Glenn Hoddle 4/10
Usually only on the Sky Champions League marathons. Looks and talks like he's constipated and the suspicion that he is talking rubbish always lingers, even when he isn't. Permanently damaged goods due to being a bit of a nutter but not in a nice way.
Robbie Earle 3.5/10
Crouches low in his seat and says even less than Andy in his allotted 20 seconds. His body language seems to be saying "look, I'm really sorry about all this." So are we Robbie. The exit door in 2007 should await.
Brian Marwood 3.5/10
Does the Sky pay per view. He should be paying us. If he says "with his class you'd expect better' one more time I shall be very cross and go after him with a big stick. So few hear him on ppv that he may get away with it for another year.
Alan Shearer 3/10
As bad as Lee Dixon but gets an extra half a point for the sh*t-eating grinning, no doubt at the thought of all the money he's earning for doing so little work. His analysis largely consists of just saying what is happening on the screen. "He's hit it with his right foot and it's gone in," to which a nation shouts "we know, we can see!!" Only the BBC could pay someone so much for doing so little in such a poor way. We're disappointed with that and will be all 2007 long.
Mark Lawrenson 3/10
His end-of-the-pier duo with Motty is an insult to us all. If the phrase 'tired cliché' was made flesh, it would look like Lawro slumped on a sofa looking fed up. Sadly destined to annoy us for 12 more months when a career in panto would surely be more appropriate.
Sir Les Ferdinand 3/10
You want to like Sir Les of Helicopter. You really do. But he can't string two sentences together in anything approaching coherence which is a bit of disadvantage when trying to be a pundit. He gets points for his fine cockney accent - he pronounces Portsmouth as Portsmuff. Well done Sir, but stick to the flying.
Paul Merson 3/10
Merse appears to have brain damage. He seems unable to speak coherently and has weird blank but slightly frightened eyes, as though he's expecting to be attacked by bats at any moment. His bursts of manic laughing are a genuinely frightening sight. Good comedy value if you enjoy laughing at the handicapped. Part of me just wants him to do that I'm-drinking-big-pints tongue out thing. He was good at that.
Graeme Le Saux 2.5/10
The BBC showed a brief moment of wisdom and, after stupidly promising him the seat next to Motty at the World Cup realised he was in fact, crap, possibly after hearing this bit of punditry he offered on Germany's chances, "I mean the thing is you got this you know the the fact is that if they get through these games which they should the fact the filled facts from that will generate sort of intensity in Germany and they'll feel that can you know go away and they're great at tournament football they've always done well."
Little G was a tad huffy about getting the boot but not huffy enough as he still turns up on Football Focus. Still rotten but scores a couple of points for allowing us to point to our bottom in a Robbie Fowler style when he comes on the screen.
Lee Dixon 2.5/10
Simply boring beyond endurance. Too boring to even write about. If we ignore him in 2007 he may go away.
Jamie Redknapp. 1.5/10
Because of his family and football relationships he is unable to be objective. Be honest, we all know he's a bit thick. His "any Englishman could manage England as well as Sven" comments have already been proved to be pure delusion too. There's something about him that is just fundamentally grating including that bloody Icon magazine thing. But despite not being good enough he will be on our screens in 2007 probably because of who his dad is.
Peter Reid 1.0
He can't pronounce any foreign names and when he says anything that is actually comprehensible, its all clichés and tired old nonsense. For a man who has had a lifetime in football he appears to have picked up no knowledge or insight or is simply unable to communicate it, which is what it's all about as a pundit. Gets 1 point for turning up and having the sheer gall to think he can even do the job. Amazingly, will probably hang on in 2007.
Ian Wright 0/10
See Peter Reid; only more mindless and incoherent and appallingly unprofessional. If you own a TV you are required by the law to pay his wages. Thanks BBC.
Coming soon: Part Two - The Presenters
wrote:Alan Hansen 8
