England at the Euros

Euro 2008: Day 1: Wed June 4

Close your eyes and imagine we made it...


Match Report: Trinidad & Tobago 0 England 2

Steve: Becks Is My Big Mac

By Roger Plate in Trinidad

England completed their warm-up for their Euro 2008 campaign with a hard-fought victory over an impressive Trinidad & Tobago side.

Steve McClaren's tactical genius won the day yet again when he cleverly shuffled his pack to a five-man midfield midway through the first half to thrwart the threat of Southampton's Stern John.

And the professorial gaffer had particular praise for his captain on the night, David Beckham.

"People said that I made David captain just for publicity reasons," said the England boss.

"But as I have always said, he's the first name on the team-sheet, apart from when he was dropped."

Beckham took to the field dressed as Mayor McCheese, but switched to a Hamburglar costume at half-time.

And McClaren denied that the move was pressed upon him by the FA, who are keen to tie up a new sponsorship deal with MacDonalds following Brian Barwick's deal to be personally sponsored by Britain's top tripe bleaching company, Gutz.

"I am my own man, and I make my own decisions," said the England supreme, who looked handsome and relaxed throughout.

"Like choosing a delicious Quarter Pounder With Cheese over a surprisingly low-in-cholesterol Chicken McFlurry," he added.

Michael Owen, who looked sharp and fit, opened the scoring on the half hour after Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard linked up with an almost telepathic brilliance in the centre of the pitch.

And Wayne Rooney scored a classic poacher's goal shortly after the interval. It was just reward for a disciplined display that saw him resist several attempts from the home defence to get him riled.

The squad looks in fine fettle for Swissteria - and Steve is excited for what the future holds.

"Apparently I can get a free Filet-O-Fish at any time, in any branch, just by presenting this special gold card," said McClaren. "I'm loving it."


POLL: We asked England fans, 'What's the best thing about Austria?'

21% said Leather shorts

29% said Kangeroos

43% said Fascism

6% said Falco

1% said Frank Lampard


STEVE McCLAREN'S DAILY DIARY

Tuesday June 3.

It's decision time. I have to pick the final squad and what a tough choice it is. There's much to consider. Who can I beat at wrestling? Who will hurt me with a knife if I leave him out? Who is actually any good at football? I really don't know. I called Brian at the FA but he was busy, having just taken delivery of 24 crispy crème donuts. So I consulted Big JT and he gave me a list of the players he liked and as luck would have it there were exactly the right amount for the squad, so I just picked them.


LIONHEART:

JOHN TERRY'S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Some inspirational musings from England's leader.

"Swiss cheese has holes in it! That means when you buy half a pound of it you only get 4oz. Typical! Cheese with holes in is gay."


WE ASK THE EXPERT

Throughout the month we'll be consulting England's finest ex-internationals for their unique insight into England's quest for glory. Carlton Palmer was a top England player in his day, so we asked him what he thinks Steve McClaren's boys need to do to win Euro 2008.

"In my experience international matches are very easy. All you need to do to be successful is run around a lot. Foreigners are totally shocked when they see us running around and around and around. It's the English way and it worked brilliantly for us back when I played for England. We never lost a game, won the World Cup, Euros, Olympic 100 metres, the Turner prize, Eurovision Song Contest and the Pulitzer Prize for General Non-fiction; all won by running around a lot. I've got big legs so I was really brilliant at running. I could run forwards, turn around and run back. No-one else in the world can do that.

"But if the lads want to be a bit clever, a big hoof is a top tactic against international defences because they expect you to play it on the ground and dribble and all that rubbish. Football is easy. I was great at it. Better than anyone playing today but I had to retire due to being elected King of Iceland."

Euro 2008: Day 2: Thurs June 5

TODAY'S ENGLAND NEWS

Steve McClaren talked about his squad for Swissteria yesterday at a press conference held before departure for Innsbruck in Austria. "Anyone could pick this squad," said a pink-faced McClaren, "the players pick themselves really." When questioned further he admitted, "the players ring me up and tell me they want to be in the squad and I say alright then."

McClaren's leadership qualities are already being questioned, with many critics saying he's in awe of the players. McClaren denied this but did admit to having "what some unkind people might call a small shrine" to John Terry made out of crocheted toilet roll covers in his toilet and on further pressing revealed he was prone to calling his wife Stevie G during love-making.

Four of the squad have broken metatarsals acquired while kicking a tramp after a team bonding session in London's West End. Later in a private drinking club Wayne Rooney lost 25% of his left buttock in what was described by the FA's spokesman as 'a bacon-slicer prank gone wrong'. He is expected to wear a prosthetic buttock for the duration of the tournament.

"Discipline isn't a problem," said McClaren, dressed in a navy blue blazer and grey slacks from Greenwoods, "the players can do anything they want."


CELEBRITY EURO 2008 PREDICTION SPECIAL

We asked some of Britain's top celebrities for their Euro 2008 prediction...

The nation has gone Euro 2008 barmy, and all the important figures from all walks of British life - telly chefs, reality TV contestants and former pop stars - are rooting for England to win. But what are their predictions for the tournament?

"Once you've been shot in the backside by a cluster bomb from an F-111 fighter jet, and had to single-handedly take on the Taliban armed only with a butter knife, like what I done in Afghanistan, I'm afraid football doesn't seem as exciting anymore. That said, I've heard there's some well tasty firms in Israel, so I'm backing them. TAKE COVER!" warns TV hardman Ross Kemp.

There were some last-minute tactical instructions for Steve McClaren from one very special England fan: "Good luck to the lads, and don't forget to use two holding midfielders against Sweden," said some tw*t off Girls' Aloud.

But what do some of the country's leading football experts think?

"England! England! England!" says Ian Wright, who was recently drummed out of the BBC for being too clever for stuffy old Auntie.

Not all the famous people in Britain were gripped by the tournament, though.

"Is it 2008 already?" asked a glassy-eyed George Michael, while Lord St John of Fawlsey refused to be interviewed saying, 'Are you Scrotum my new butler?'

Thankfully, most of the country is getting into the spirit of things.

"I love footballers' bums," giggled aging saucepot Denise Van Outen. "Yummy yummy bum bum!"

On a serious note, one celebrity is taking the Euro 2008 as a personal crusade. "After seeing what they done to them poor geese, I just hope France get well turned over," blasted campaigning TV chef Jamie Oliver.

Big Brother's Anoushka said: "I'm getting right behind the lads", a sentiment echoed by Professor Doctor Sir Stephen Hawkings.

But there was one cautionary note.

"I've got a big one...a feeling for Italy, that is," laughed outrageous TV host Graham Norton.


STEVE McCLAREN'S DAILY DIARY

Feel a bit nervous today as we set off for the tournament but I drove the coach very well although the sat nav voice was a bit frightening. I'd like Big JT's voice instead of that harsh American woman. I'd go in any direction Big JT told me to go. When I told him he hit me in the neck with a cricket bat. I think it was an accident; had a little cry when no one was looking. Good news. My umbrella sponsorship cheque arrived! That £65.00 will come in very handy.


LIONHEART: JOHN TERRY'S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

"If an Austrian gives you any lip - just poke him in the eyes and shout 'how's that for an Austrian blind?! Ha ha. Jim Davidson wrote that joke for me."


POLL:

We asked: Ladies, what would you rather watch than Euro 2008?

37% said Sex And The City

24% said Big Brother

20% said Water boiling.

9% said Badgers having sex

5% said Any old $h!t

2% said Weapons Of Ass Destruction III

2% said David Cameron being hit with kipper

1% said Frank Lampard

Euro 2008: Day 3: Fri June 6


TODAY'S ENGLAND NEWS

The squad arrived at their secluded 11-star hotel in Austria today and were carried into the lobby on pure gold sedan chairs stuffed with the feathers of the now-extinct Bolivian Fish Eagle. The lads were borne aloft by nuns.

Boss Steve McClaren drove the coach in personally. He was wearing what fashion students described as 'a clearly second-hand National Express blazer'.

FA Chief Brian Barwick arrived late in the day after what the FA's press officer would only describe as 'a medical incident at a Lancashire deep-fried comestible purveyor' involving Barwick, a defibrillator and four kilos of battered black puddings.

The players enjoyed a closed training session in a local lapdancing club.


STEVE McCLAREN'S DAILY DIARY

Thursday 5th June

We did some training after arriving. I watched as the lads ran around a bit before they playfully punched Stewart Downing in the head until he was unconscious.

Later they wrapped me in cling film and threw me in the swimming pool. I nearly drowned but I was saved by a 10-year-old Swiss girl who pulled me out and then hit my chest until my heart started beating again. I think it all helped with team bonding because the lads never stopped laughing. I went to the hotel and put up my big poster of Becks. There was a dog poo in my bed.


LIONHEART: JOHN TERRY'S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Some inspirational musings from England's leader.

If foreigners don't understand you, just get right in their face and shout so loudly that the veins in your neck bulge right out. The phrase 'do you want some then eh, do you?!' is very effective in these circumstances. I'm a great communicator. And a big man.


10 THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT AUSTRIA

1. The first scratch and sniff album cover was by legendary Austrian yodeller Wolfy Cheezus whose seminal 1968 record, 'My Throat Loves You' came with drops of his own sweat embedded into the cover so that, 'fans can smell my love.'

2. In Vienna in 1568 Alfred Bong invented the first helicopter after his trousers got caught in a windmill and sent him into orbit.

3. The capital of the Austro-Hungarian Empire was actually Ashby de la Zouch.

4. Former Prince Imperial of Austria, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, who suffered a severe merking in Sarajevo in 1914, is the great, great, great granddad of Rio Ferdinand.

5. Classic 70s car the The Austin Ambassador was meant to be called the Austrian Ambassador but drunken British Leyland workers spelled it wrong.

6. Famous 'Rock Me Amadeus' Austrian singer Falco was the brother of ex Norwich and Chelsea scuffer Mark Falco.

7. The children's game Hide And Seek was invented by Austrian composer dude Joseph Haydn, who was a Sikh.

8. Austrian classical composer Johann Strauss wrote famous waltz The Blue Danube, the colour of which later inspired his brother Levi to invent denim jeans.

9. Famous Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger made a career out of pumping iron - a feat which requires a special diet and an enormously strong sphincter.

10. Sigmund Freud lived in Austria for many years while developing his theories of psycho-analysis, which would later prove so popular with Stuart Pearce during his tenure at Manchester City. Though he said: "He's a top quality geezer Sigmund, but as much as I loves me mum I wouldn't shag her. He got that wrong I reckon."


POLL: We asked: What tactical innovation would you most like to see Steve McClaren introduce?

10% said 3-5-2

11% said 4-4-1-1

23% said 4-4-4

7% said football

47% said more animals on the pitch

1% said Frank Lampard

Euro 2008: Day 4: Sat June 7


TODAY'S ENGLAND NEWS

The FA attempted to quash rumours that some of England's squad had been out drinking all night and that an unnamed player had been detained by the police. Steve McClaren was not available for comment.

However, a member of the public told reporters that he had seen McClaren at a petrol station on the northern outskirts of Vienna in the early hours of Saturday morning, taking "a significant amount of money" out of a cash dispenser before a van pulled up alongside and a figure who was "almost certainly Trevor Brooking" shouted "get in the **expletive** motor".


RADIO TIMES TV REVIEW

The BBC's early coverage of the tournament got off to an exciting and critically-acclaimed start last night, with over 97 per cent of poll respondents declaring themselves "satisfied", "very satisfied" or "extremely self-satisfied" with the curtain-raising show.*

England Expects (BBC1, 9pm) gave football fans a taste of what to expect over the coming weeks as it followed the hand-picked team of 94 presenters, 189 pundits and 2,756 production staff checking into five-star hotels all across Austria and Switzerland.

Gary Lineker had been preparing hard for the trip, spending nine hours a day on the sunbed to secure his trademark fudge-coloured appearance and vivid white un-tanned eyes.

All the viewers' favourites were on hand to give their views on England's chances. It certainly made for a lively, informed debate - although some controversy was caused when Lee Dixon went out on a limb to say that he wasn't sure who would win, but he was pretty sure it would be one of the teams in the tournament.

The BBC recognises that standing still is the same as going backwards, however, so there were plenty of new innovations. For example, Alan Shearer was sitting with his legs slightly wider apart than usual.

To jazz things up a bit, player interviews were conducted by Garth Crooks in an S&M dungeon. Garth asked Steven Gerrard if he saw the games ahead as 'part sport, part situationist-art'. The look on Stevie G's face was definitely one for Dennis Norden!

In order to attract the key ABC12345 (D) demographic, and avoid any potential problems with having football matches on prime-time when the BBC could be fulfilling its public service remit by showing Britain's Got Nancy, the actual games will not be televised. Instead, Graham Norton and Myleene Klass will host a four-week extended Eurovision Song Contest talent show.

However, fans concerned that Euro2008 is being dumbed down can rest assured: a hilarious graphical sequence saw Jeremy Vine dressed as Hiawatha, shooting arrows at animatronic beavers with each national side's manager's face on them as he predicted the order in which teams will be eliminated.

And it being a multimedia age, rest assured that you can log in to the BBC website to read the hilarious travel blogs of no fewer than 57 student types.

* Poll conducted in BBC executive lounge.


LIONHEART: JOHN TERRY'S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Some inspirational musings from England's leader

The best doll I own is a Tiny Tears. I love dolls. They make me cry.


BIG SAM AND REIDY: ON THE DRINK

Big Sam and his best mate Reidy have kindly volunteered to go out to Austria and Switzerland and scout the best bars for England fans to drink in. This is Big Sam's first report.

Vienna International Airport Bar

We got off the plane at 6.30am and Reidy suggested we have a livener in the airport bar. We ordered schnapps but were disappointed to find it was not served in a litre jug.

Reidy engaged the barman in a bit of witty Scouse banter about how his chip shop was probably bombed by his Grandad, to which the barman said he was Austrian not German and accused Reidy of being a monkey-faced loon. Understandably, Reidy kicked off and smashed a chair over the lad's head. We left in a hurry before the Stormtroopers arrived.

England fans looking for a bit of good honest fun might want to give this place a miss; the staff are a bit chippy.


POLL

We asked: What are you were most looking forward to about Euro 2008?

78% said Terry Wogan's commentary

2% said touching themselves off while Gabby Logan is on

5% said touching themselves off while Steve Ryder is on

13% said the Budweiser ads at half-time

2% said the football

1% said Frank Lampard


STEVE McCLAREN'S DAILY DIARY

I had to bail Ashley out of jail with my own money today after he was caught try to have sex with the 'Black Virgin' in the town of Einsiedeln. Apparently the black virgin is a 14th century holy wooden statue. They said he was shouting, 'come on, give it up, bitch' and being sick on her. That doesn't sound like Ashley at all. He must have had an upset stomach. I think there must have been some sort of misunderstanding.